Feeling really bummed out today, thanks to a Facebook friend request of all things.
Why would anyone think that, after dumping me, what i’d be *totally* up for is taking in the glorious digital vista that is him in a new relationship. WTF?
I remember having a conversation with Petrichor where he asked what would happen if I found someone else whilst we were apart; I guffawed and told him that i’d spent years doing the online dating thing and that I averaged out at two dates a year, so, given the lack of interest I think it would be rather unlikely that I would be tempted by anyone quite as awesome as he.
Oh the irony.
Perhaps he thought that as time has passed I would be up for being digital friends? Why is email not okay but Facebook somehow is? No real connection, but digital grazing and rubbernecking. I’ve worked hard at staying away from anything to do with him online, and so it was a *huge* surprise to see him in my friend request list today. He is the only ex I still care about, and I have an enormous soft spot for him, but he’s in a relationship, I am not, and I have zero desire to see what I cannot have.
The memory of him is still vivid even after all this time, as there has been no-one to be intimate with, share new experiences and make new positive memories with. I work on finding creative fulfilment, try to inspire and help kids, do my course, go to pottery, make piles of washing up, get sucked into gaming and, a couple of times a year, get to go on a date; there are no fireworks or particular high points but most of the time i’m happy, even as I carry around both my affection for him and my sense of loss at his decision to exit my life.
It’s a quiet life, and as much as I am in the present and I look to the future, he lives on in my memories, daydreams and fantasy-life. Thinking about him is comforting when I am feeling lonely and small.
I declined his request.
Oh, and he still looked terribly handsome :(