I spent hours lying awake last night attempting to sleep; I felt too warm but was too cold with the duvet off and thoughts about MW#1’s looming letter kept my mind going until the very small hours.
Today I thought about him and the letter as I carefully filled in an irregular shape in the cubist web of a pupil’s portrait; as I dragged the paintbrush along I watched the intense blue of the watercolour fill the space and thought, “Oh, blue line… Hmmm… MW#1” It was a peaceful feeling like some sort of weird meditative practice? Not that I do that sort of thing, but perhaps it was because I was concentrating on helping my student with her brush control that I had a sort of quiet moment where the emotions were distanced but acknowledged? Fuck knows, but I found it interesting when it happened.
Perhaps it’s because i’m tired from having little sleep but I feel better about it than I did last night. It’s more out of my hands now, which is frustrating in that i’m unable to express my thoughts and feelings about everything as I just have to wait and see, but then I can at least gauge his thoughts on the matter and act accordingly.
It’s an odd thing- This is another example of MW#1 thinking about things I would never think he would consider; there have been a fair few examples of this and it surprises me every time. It’s nice to think i’m not alone in my feelings but at the same time it feels a little weird. My behaviour is shaped by the lack of security in our non-consensual arrangement so even in Berlin I was unable to fully “be”- I was being careful to be extra easygoing because it was our first experience of spending extended time in each other’s company (though that didn’t stop me taking the piss of course :D); at many a point I felt very unsure of things, was confused by just what I was- A friend with benefits to holiday with or…?
The whole security issue is a BIG one- I feel I can’t act how i’d like to act, be or share or ask for things because i’m a full-time casual acquaintance, because he’s seeing/fucking other people etcetera and is unable to commit. Berlin proved (to me at least!) that we get on well in each other’s company; we are of course absolutely woeful at expressing how we feel, talk about problems etcetera, but I would hope that with security a bit more confidence on my part would appear. I don’t know whether this is wishful thinking.
I am nervous at what might be in the letter; things are slowly moving to some sort of conclusion perhaps? Or perhaps not, and whatever happens i’m sure the fallout will last for a very long time indeed…