This evening in an attempt to help myself feel a bit less blue I ate ice cream for the first time in three months and watched Last Chance Harvey, which I had read had good reviews and I thought I would be in the mood for being a bittersweet tale of romance. Alas, post-viewing there was no improvement in my feelings, on the contrary- At least before I was just feeling a bit glum, but by the end of the film I was having to mop the snot up as I wept at how sad it all was.
It’s supposed to be sad, but the ending is supposed to be hopeful. It is I know, but I was crying so much that this kind of didn’t help me very much. Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson were excellent and I particularly enjoyed Thompson’s performance. The scene where she has been sidelined by her date and retreats into the toilets to try and suck it up was depressingly familiar.
Today’s general sadness was brought on by (of course!) thinking too much, this time about the unfulfilled life I lead when it comes to personal relationships and intimacy. It is hard and incredibly frustrating to want to do so much with and for someone but to be prevented from doing so by my own reticence and the lack of a supportive, amenable partner.
How ridiculously sad and hateful towards myself I feel when I think about inviting him out for dinner. This is ridiculous because why on earth should I hate myself for asking if someone would like to go out to eat? I irrationally feel that way because I recognise how insignificant I am to him and I know how much he means to me. Sigh.
It hurts, and when it hurts I think of the skin on my forearms and cutting to punish myself for thinking such ridiculous thoughts; I then remember that I haven’t done so for years and I shouldn’t, so I don’t reach for the scalpel blade and just keep on feeling glum.
When I met up with my Mum in Lahndahn tahn the other day as we are wont to do we talked about MW#1; I talked about his recent surgery and how I had found it very difficult and had a sort of minor meltdown over it and how there seems at times to be a bit more intimacy to things but it is basically same old same old.
My Mum is always terribly sympathetic and kind, I think perhaps due to her good nature and the fact that she has to put up with my Dad. I always feel that when MW#1 moves away for a job or settles for someone not me the whole world will be laughing at me- “Stupid Monky. You didn’t actually waste all those years of your life on him did you? You didn’t think he would actually be with you? IDIOT. LOSER.”
Of course although the LOSER label hovers over me I continue to live up to it and keep caring for someone who never quite comes through on anything. I keep longing to curl up with this same person and ye gods actually want to spend time with him. Oh brain, what is wrong with you… :/