Mid Atlantic meet up

So I met up with Mid Atlantic. He drank two bottles of juice and I drank one bottle of cider over two hours. I went home at 11pm.

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been- all eye makeup is still in place, I am writing this levelly from my room without spazzing out- But it wasn’t exactly great either. Lots of lon-n-n-g gaps in conversation. Awkwardness. I sat and made a tiny origami crane out of my cider bottle label whilst he talked about work; I talked about my boring life; we talked about wrestling for about four minutes. He lent me his Best of The X Division dvd and I picked out who I would consider getting intimate with (Raven for the dirty cerebral workout and Eric Young for the hair and his ability to throw himself at my feet. From the top of a ladder).

I began to rant a bit more and laugh a bit more as I approached the bottom of my bottle, but it was all rather depressing at the end of the evening. Is this what our friendship is going to be like from now on? This is the appropriate and sanitised friendship we are supposed to have? I realise it was the virgin outing post-disaster, but I just felt kinda crap over things. If things stay the same as they are at the moment, can I keep this friendship going?

I spent a good proportion of the evening wondering what the hell I was doing there and grinning to myself at the total abusrdity of our situation. Not that we have a situation, understand. I wonder whether he thinks I am some sort of sad deluded psycho freak? When I got the weak goodbye hug he suggested meeting up to watch wrestling with a friend of his; to be honest I was like, yeah, sure, whatever as I laughed my way off to my night bus home. I think I need to give things time to settle.

We didn’t discuss what had transpired between us, and to be frank didn’t exactly find a whole lot to talk about in general. I tried my best to be open, affable and keep the cutting comments to a minimum but I still felt really detached. I really hope things improve.

To go from being given praise, having the idea of a relationship floated to pretty much nothing is just so darned sad. Special? In a “not girlfriend material” type of way maybe… At the end of the day I am just not *that* important and not in *that* way.

Got to just try to forget, try not to care. Ultimately you can only really rely on yourself, right? Better to hurt yourself and clip your own wings than have others do it for you.

The late night repeater- Through Time by Roisin Murphy. Could there be something such as beautifully flawed?