Last to know

So I met up with a couple of friends I hadn’t seen in a while at the Beer Festival.

Leia Ewok Village “So how’s the you and Mid Atlantic thing going?”
Me “Oh… haven’t you heard? I thought you’d read about it…”

*proceeds to give blow-by-blow recap*

L E V *jaw drops*
L E V “But… from watching you two interacting… I thought, well I thought he cared for you… WTF?” “I can’t believe it” “he’s betrayed you” “should fight for you” “I should have known… after his behaviour when I met him in town” “he seemed genuine” “seemed to care”
Me “Yeah….”

So that’s now every person who attended my birthday piracy outing ready and willing to offer services as Mid Atlantic head stovers-in. A private army so to speak.

But as I said whilst drunk to another friend- The jury’s out on that… I feel better in myself and now want to meet up with him; however, do I just want to meet up because I want to jump his ignorant bones, because I miss him because I miss the fun? Am I even allowed to miss him- I mean is this just me liking him too much and longing for things that cannot be?

If I accidentally come across him and High Maintainence I am going to feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world- This would happen when I’d see The Monster’s version of High Maintainence, an intense feeling of nausea and panic. I suppose this will happen whether we remain friends or not; it’s not like I frequent the young professional hang-outs she favours so hopefully the chances will be slim. Will remaining friends simply mean that I continue to be hurt- Outwardly the “riot to be around” whilst keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and inwardly crying? Am I even allowed to have fun anymore or does fun equal future pain?

I was always so careful before not to inflict myself upon him too frequently as I knew he needed space and I know I can be a bit overwhelming to some, especially as I am usually so excitable around him. I would rarely text or email him and hardly ever initiate online conversation, preferring to wait until he felt he was ready for my own perculiar brand of fun. This required discipline and was difficult and I guess is another reason why when things did finally happen everything seemed to hit that much harder.

I think i’ll be okay; In a way just continuing with how I behaved before: not contacting, not appearing to care a whole lot about things and keeping myself tightly contained, trying my utmost to never expect or hope for anything and pretending everything is fine.

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