nopokemeo

Booze Crunch

2009-01-02T14:41:56Z

The pretentious den of Young Professional iniquity I have been making more use of lately is becoming a victim of the economic downturn... The owners are bankrupt and its future is uncertain. After the years I slagged the place off I have only just got to liking it. Boo.

Resolutions 2009

2009-01-01T23:20:40Z

A review of last year's resolutions:

1. Complete my NQT year without doing any more supply.

I passed, i'm continuing to do well and since time of writing I didn't have to do any more supply. I am still waiting for a full-time permanent position and I do not look forward to the conversation between myself and the Head about this. Anyway, it took me two years but I managed.

2. Get out more.

This is hard to quantify... Towards the end of the year I went out more frequently with MW#1 (because of the Dubai Bombshell I suppose); I think I went out for dinner with friends more frequently, but I didn't make the effort I should have with regards visiting friends outside of my local area.

3. Visit more exhibitions, museums, galleries.

This I have definitely done, Thanks to my Tate membership- I am much more motivated to visit (the Tate at least) and enjoy the freedom of having free entry. Makes things more flexible; still I should try and visit more places other than the Tate.

4. Read more for pleasure.

TOTAL FAIL. I've got a stack of books by my bed that I have slowly added to over the year; they all remain unread. I must force myself to read them, as I think if I can get past the first few pages away from my laptop screen I will probably find I enjoy myself.

Last year I decided not to make any resolutions on the personal side of things as I was convinced that there was no point. Since the Dubai Bombshell was dropped quite a lot of (relative) progress has been made, but it is just that- relative.

Although we behave more intimately towards each other he continues to see others instead of me; we've never spent any sort of extended time together; he alternates from being really into me to being distant, crushing my spirit with thoughtless comments.

If I feel glum or I miss him I try hard not to "give in" and ask to see him, I just while away weekends in my room feeling a bit down; I don't expect or need to see him every day but a little latitude with regards helping me out now and then would be really appreciated. Help me out? Give me a hug, rub my back, make me laugh, join me for a day out, wake up next to me occasionally. Flying casual, like.

These are not huge things to ask for but perhaps they are just a little much to ask of someone who asked me to leave my life behind and live with them in a far off country.

His behaviour causes me much angst, but when i'm curled up next to him problems seem to drift away for a while, at least until he starts snoring :)

Anyway, once again no personal resolutions this year. Just live and be and see what happens and shoulder problems as they arise.

Meet Bob

2009-01-01T19:03:34Z

Meet Bob.

Yes... really... I spent half an hour making a video of my fake dog.

Festive Roundup

2009-01-01T00:39:03Z

Here I will commence with a rather long and convoluted post on what I have been up to over the last couple of weeks i.e. The Festive Season. Rejoice.

A recently started tradition is that of Crap Crimbo- Where you spend under a fiver and get either a good or crap present for an unknown, hence the title. I usually aim for the crap present as I appreciate the humour more and this year I think I did rather well in finding a set of "velour" Christmas tea towels. "Velour" was a slight misnomer in that they were the most threadbare things that could be classed as "velour" as I think it is possible to see. I was proud of my efforts.

I fiiinally got to meet Bobby Convey's Person Of Interest, MG, and I found him to be a most agreeable human being, with the additional bonus of having rather good sartorial sense. Huzzah. I had a very good evening indeed consuming rather too many mugs of Caversham Princess's Special Brew AKA mulled wine (it is awesomely tasty); by evening's end I was valiantly attempting to fight off four enemy combatants in an intense game of Trivial Pursuit. I lost. Gooood times.

Just before I left for The North I met up with MW#1 for an evening of eating, drinking and present giving; I tried to put (metaphorical) hairs on my chest with a Manhattan and we ate Italian food and talked about the bottom in Western art versus reality and current ideas of beauty (amongst other things)... He held my hand as we walked back to his and for the first time I felt completely comfortable doing so, in fact I didn't want him to let go. Gah.

Present-wise I asked MW#1 for an awesome little bracelet with a teeny tiny gold skull hanging on blue cord- I am so enamoured with its cuteness I have not taken it off since. I fed his Games Workshop habit and also his Metal habit too; I finished the evening having my brain warped by Beatallica (takes a breath) - Someone singing in the style of James Hetfield covering Beatles songs in the style of Metallica but at the same time doing tracks that are sung in the style of Metallica, with lyrics by Metallica but to the tune of the Beatles... :S

MW#1 has got through to the second round for Dubai. More interviews await. SIGH.

Later in the day I managed to infiltrate myself into the UK headquarters of Microsoft (i.e. sign myself in to visit MW#1); I reported to the wrong building and spent my time inside being overly quiet and wide-eyed or conversely laughing far too much due to "I don't belong" nerves. I earned undoubtedly increased levels of affection from him upon passing a cafe named after the SharePoint software: I questioned whether they had considered calling it after the Linux Penguin, because, you know, penguins are approachable and cuddly and this would bestow the right spirit of sharing at the cafe... Heh. Score.

The buildings were overly populated with kids, which was uber weird but festive season and all that, there were free drinks galore and security doors to catch anyone making a break for freedom. They had bad corporate art (isn't it always) but really nice chairs. Stripy. Purple. Curvy. Nice. I got particularly excited when confronted with the canteen: A wide range of dishes - "Street Food" (presumably scraped off pavements), stir fries cooked to order, salads, steaks, sandwiches, grills, stews, desserts, stuffed vine leaves...

I was slightly bewildered by all the choice so plumped for the rather ordinary combo of grilled chicken, a big pile of French fries, an apple and a banana (and my free can of Coke). Unsurprisingly my lunch was many magnitudes better than what I get at work. If Microsoft can produce tasty food for around the same I pay at work, why the fuck are school unable to do it.

I took Mr T. Up North to spend a few days en famille where the annoyance encouraged by the presence of my Dad was tempered with my happiness at seeing my Mum and brother and many cousins, aunts and uncles. Aaand I actually got what I asked for- No hide nor hair of a Goddamned Radley bag :D

I received the pair of jeans I was after but when I tried them on they were a bit on the tight side due to my recent increase in padding; I ordered a similar style the next size up but they are too big around the waist. So I either need to slim down or eat more til I fit into the next size up. I think I shall just keep on doing what I do, which is not really caring about what I eat very much. Scientific.

As a Christmas present to myself I bought a CycloDS card for my Nintendo DS; it is alll kinds of awesome, in that now I don't need to pay for games- All I have to do is download them and transfer them onto the card. Hooray for breaking the law. So I have got into Viva Pinata! Animal Crossing: Wild World, Rune Factory: A Fantasy Harvest Moon and Nintendogs. Somewhat surprisingly for Ms. Cynic, this is the title that I have been rather awed by- I am now the proud owner of a Beagle called Bob, and he is the greatest dog ever, or that's what I tell him as I stroke his tummy using the stylus. Hee.

I received proof that The Grand Romantic Gesture is not dead in the form of the fantastic news of Grand Homme Brum popping the question to his lovely partner- He went down on bended knee in the arrivals lounge of an airport :) Although I am cynical in nature I am still hopeful about some things and there's a warm romantic core to my frequently abused heart; my romantic hopes are usually pissed upon by others but to hear of good things happening to good people is just great. You know it's just, well, *awesome* and I was rather excited to hear of the couples good news. Hooray!

I went around the shops with Leia Ewok Village looking at dresses but the only things the both of us purchased were homeware-related: Duvet covers, cushions, rugs etcetera. I felt so old... We whiled away some time drinking cocktails post-shopping before taxing home where I tried out my new cover and super soft fuzzy cushion cover before drunkenly creating a cross-cultural feast in the form of naan bread, mozzarella, olives and sun-dried tomatoes (or sun-kissed as Waitrose calls them). Mmmm...

My laptop had been annoying me with its sloowness so I took it upon myself to upgrade the memory. No problem for a gal who's done Lego, or so I thought until I broke a screwdriver trying to get a screw undone... Argh! I had The Tech Rage running wild upon me; MW#1 kindly offered the use of his arm and his tool set and the screw that I thought I had stripped in my efforts to remove it was magically undone in around five seconds. SIGH. He installed my memory and all is well, but I must say there's not a whole lot of difference in performance, at least so far. Anyway...

After his *massive* efforts on my computer MW#1 had a cup of tea and made use of my sofa and myself to curl up and sleep (snore) upon. I felt very happy, and not because he had fixed my laptop...I just like holding him, stroking his hair, being next to his warmth. However, he then didn't exactly earn himself brownie points by deliberately giving me a hickey of all things... I DESPAIR. Well I don't, at least not at the moment, but I shall be wearing a scarf to work next week... God help me if a sixth former sees it... Mr Non-Committal and all that...

Now I am seeing in the New Year home alone and far away from any revellers or the cold (i've put the heating on); i've had steak and chips and a glass of cider and have felt pretty good, only tearing up a moment when listening to the majestic Barry White sing I'll Do Anything You Want Me To. So not too bad, though I do feel a pang of sadness at not being able to mark the passing of another year by waking up next to someone I care for.

Goodbye 2008- It wasn't a bad year, but it wasn't exactly great (for many reasons)... Here's to the unknown and 2009...

Fuck Yeah Sharks

2008-12-21T00:32:27Z

For some reason currently unbeknownst to myself, I am appreciating FUCK YEAH SHARKS. Rather a lot.

That is all.

FREEDOM

2008-12-20T00:23:25Z

Hooray... I am now just beginning two weeks of lesson-free life, and although I am not looking forward to the stress of family life and Christmas itself, the time away from work and time nesting will be most appreciated.

Due to some "perk" of the festive season I received my pay a little earlier than is usual, so for once I won't have to worry about meeting my financial commitments towards the end of the month; it feels like I am able to take a breath.

Still no word on the Dubai front. Still I worry.

One and a half

2008-12-17T23:28:48Z

Greta Garbo in As You Desire Me from Doctor Macro

One and a half days to go...

I wish I had two weeks off that were unbroken without my having to take part in society... I'd much rather spend it hibernating, vegetating and wandering up to Lahndahn tahn to see some art and try some unaffordable things on. And getting some manfur exposure.

I want to be let alone

How Little We Know

2008-12-15T22:43:55Z

(How Little It Matters) How Little We Know [YouTube]
Frank Sinatra
1956
2.9MB

http://rapidshare.com/files/173712104/fs_hlwk.rar.html

Temporary Crippling

2008-12-15T00:35:04Z

Things have improved since I took a trip to woe-is-me land the other evening; I still feel sad and dissatisfied with my lot but a viewing of Klute occupied my mind with other things for a while and late night conversing with a slightly self crippled MW#1 evened out my day a little.

I guess it'll be this week that I find out whether he's leaving or not. If he is leaving things are going to be very difficult- Every thought of him will be shot through with deep sadness and I don't think i'll be able to meet up with him without at some point dissolving into tears. He means so very much to me... this person who is barely in my life yet whose smell makes me happy and whose touch gives me such great comfort.

The person who I want to have in my life, wake up next to, be goaded into arguments by... Just be able to "be" around them, sit quietly, chart the slow yet seemingly relentless march of the manfur across his gently speckled skin...

The person who has chosen to leave rather than stay, who has hurt me so many times, whose behaviour makes me cry. He'll move on, I'll pass my weekends curled up under my blanket imagining the warm fabric is a flesh-and-blood embrace.

What's stupid is that if we were in some sort of committed arrangement for a couple of years, and a couple of years after that he went for a job in Washington State- I would have none of the issues I have at the moment. That I would relocate for, because that is a future, but not to somewhere where entertainment is wandering around malls where I can't hold the person I love's hand because that's obscene, where I am some sort of amusing diversion but not seen as a partner.

Commitment. Ugh.

Oblivion

2008-12-13T19:35:55Z

It's only seven-thirty in the evening but I really want to curl up and drift off and so become oblivious to the ache in my chest and the hot tears on my face but I know i'll just wake up in a couple of hours and feel the same.

Calf Strain

2008-12-13T12:34:02Z

Apparently Marcus was just walking about or something and he strained his calf, ergo no Hahnemann ogling for me today... :( And I was *so* looking forward to a bit of visual stimulation...

On the subject of stimulation, take a look at this:

Scott Caan gets in and out of his wetsuit

The broad gently defined physique, the guns, the manfur- This is my idea of greatness. It's *exactly* the sort of thing that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl and blush with embarrassment. I get all flustered.

Sure, he could do with growing several inches but when you're lying next to someone that doesn't really matter that much.

I'm sure i'd be able to cope.

Further overly gratuitous images (NSFW)

Tears - Run

2008-12-11T23:40:46Z

window crystals by spiritedbebop [cc]

As the small islands of melting ice slid down my windscreen the other morning so tears ran down my face.

---------------------------------------------------------------

MW#1 has finally begun the interview process... It's real now and so is the potential loss.

I want him to feel as satisfied as he can job-wise and want him to progress and move up in the world if it makes him happy; this is an honest wish but simultaneously I wish he would think of making *me* happy. In a week or two i'll know if he's got the job; he's already chosen to go if he gets it.

So because of this I have been welling up or brimming over all week... What upset me enough to encourage tears in the traffic on the way to work? Hearing Run by Leona Lewis. Really. Every day when I glance at my phone I expect to receive a message from him telling me he's got the job, and this is a pretty upsetting thought. Repeatedly.

I feel sad and quite forlorn as the nothingness rumbles beneath me and threatens to open up and run out to the horizon. I don't feel like I don't know what i'll do if he goes, because I know *exactly* what i'll do- Feel very sad for a very long time. As the months tick by the pain will lessen but the dull ache of loss in my chest will press more heavily against my heart when i'm tired or lonely.

So that would be most of the time then.

MW#1 will enjoy life in Dubai, all style and no substance, do well in his job and meet lots of new conquests. He will work hard and play hard and all will be good in his world, except for those occasional times come the small hours when he's limited to a glass of wine and the low hum of the air-con for company. He'll wish my inactive MSN account would say I was online, he'll read nopoke and the posts expressing either sadness, loneliness or loss (or various combinations therein) and he'll wish I was there to pick an argument with or have my hair to run his fingers through or feel me twitch like a twitchy thing as I curl up next to him under the sheets.

Or not.

But it's all okay, right, because he loved me... Yeah... I can comfort myself with that thought as the months and the world passes me by.

I'm just waiting to be told by him "You'll find someone" as he hugs me goodbye (JOY); he already tells me that getting the job is not a sure thing in order to try and cheer me up. Feel bad about making me upset? Don't do what you're doing to make me feel upset. All those years i've spent caring- It really is that simple.

I need to go shower off my tear-grunged face. Hot water bottle, blanket, bed.

EDIT- Forgot to add: Cry in shower, hot water bottle, blanket, bed.

"Why I'd rather die than visit Dubai"

2008-12-11T23:00:43Z

TimesOnline: Why I'd rather die than visit Dubai

"Essentially it is Las Vegas without the sex and gambling, which is Las Vegas without a point."

McCy Office Party - Ridgy - Sunday Boozing

2008-12-11T21:36:21Z

I had a rather awesome weekend that was particularly excellent as it consisted of a considerable amount of alcohol alcohol alcohol... There was a smattering of food thrown in here and there but there was mainly a rather large amount of booze imbibed.

Saturday- I accompanied McCy on the annual Fun Fest that is her office Christmas party, this time held in the hotel of a Championship football club. Exotic. I followed a quite frankly excellent rum tonic and lime with dinner posh-canteen style- Salmon with marinated cucumber that had been sliced the l-o-n-g way (like thick cucumber parpadelle), lamb noise-ettes with weirdly sculptured roast potatoes and a chocolate tart of which I consumed the pastry only. Mmmm… crusty.

The “highlight” of the evening was the post-dinner trip around the corner of the stadium to a Jazz Club; I opened the doors to be confronted with a sight that filled me with awe- Green lights, ceiling dotted with shiny silver twisty things, clientèle mostly over the age of forty dressed in things that were too tight or too open for their physique. Behold.

Taking a walk from the bar to the toilets meant only a 15m or so wander, but it took on a whole new level of fun when you are significantly taller than the crowd full of lone men that turn to follow your progress. Yes, it was that kind of place, where the male-female balance was severely whacked-to-fuck. McCy and me stayed for one drink and then took a very long taxi trip back to our respective nests.

I hadn’t seen McCy in quite a while and it was excellent to see her, even if it did mean that she had to get jostled by a very over-enthusiastic father of a former mixed-martial arts fighter. Hee.

Sunday- “Lunch” with MW#1… This supposed lunchtime event turned into an entire day spent eating good food or drinking A LOT of booze. It was pretty great :)

Here’s a summary of what I can remember I drank that day:

2 x Cups of coffee
1 x Archangel
2 x Glasses red wine
1 x Caipirinha
1 x Whisky Ricky
1 x Kir Royale
1 x Amethyst
1 x Glass of water

I am sure there was more, but my memory of hours and hours of continual cocktails is not exactly crystal clear. I ended the evening warm, happy and very asleep hugging MW#1’s leg (surrogate Patrick, see) before I had to remove my very fuzzy and limpet-like self into the frigid night and skid a couple of metres down my frost-covered street in the taxi home.

Although I had a lovely day (*much* better than my fake birthday) there were of course a few idiotic moments- for instance when he told me that a team mate of his had mentioned to him that he would totally do me; I wasn't offended by the crudeness of the remark (I know I can appear outwardly appealing when dressed up) but I felt pretty sad nonetheless. He had told his fratboy team mate that I would not be interested - I've evolved extremely sharp defences - but I wished he had told him that I wouldn't be interested because I was into him or that I was "his"... Yeah, small dumb displays of longing and ownership. Rock the fuck on.

ridge

noun 1 a long narrow hilltop, mountain range, or watershed. 2 a narrow raised band on a surface. 3 Meteorology an elongated region of high barometric pressure. 4 the edge formed where the two sloping sides of a roof meet at the top.

verb often ridged mark with or form into ridges.

— DERIVATIVES ridgy adjective.

— ORIGIN Old English, "spine, crest".

Wishing for Snow

2008-12-03T23:30:44Z

i wish it would snow
i wish it would snow and i was inside in the half light
drowsy and warm under duvet and blanket
cocooned
nothing to disturb
no noise except the low rumble of trains and
the gentle rhythm of your breath lapping
against my consciousness

-----------------------------------------------

I am tired.