Tuesday 16th October
... I'd like to think not, but when I think about how I approach the world and interpersonal relations, perhaps I am.
It would be super easy to blame my cynical, black hearted view on being fucked over in non-relationships but it's not quite that straightforward. Even before I had my first kiss I think I was already far down the path I now lead- The one where I am slow to trust and fearful of asking for anything in case I am let down, where I am wary of expressing my feelings so I don't appear too caring, too weak. I have learnt to keep my emotions hidden. I am always slow at making friends- for instance I take a long time to accept invites to social outings; I see work colleagues as just that.
Conversely, away from my sarcastic, embittered self, I take great joy in the world surrounding me, it's intricacies, the variety of it's nature etc and I love assimilating information on a wide and bizarre range of subjects. So I have a childlike love of the small things but I would say not in any way a naive view of the world. I can get excitable over the smallest, geekyest things; humour is important and I can often be found laughing loudly over these dumb things.
So what you see isn't what you get. Damaged goods? If I can continue to love and those whom I care for are patient, I suppose it isn't an issue. I do worry though that I am going to keep being crippled in my loves and friendships by my inability to share emotionally, but I guess in a relationship where the one I loved was patient and strong I'd eventually open up and feel secure enough to surrender myself.
Sometimes I feel like i'm going to burst with the strength of my feeling; I want to share all of myself with another, to feel that they will not be scared off by what I say, like i'm a big old freak. I long to freely love and not be forever holding myself back.
I'm a cynical old lag but yet there is nothing I know that can equal the feelings of contentment and happiness I get when awaking in half light to warm arms wrapped around me and gentle fingers tracing invisible contour lines along my skin.
Rambling I know. Will shut up now.
