Thursday 10th May
NSFW Chas Ray Krider
Arse-numbingly long post. Usual content. Feel free to skip.
So this last long weekend I went out not once but thrice- It was a shocker. I spent an extremely enjoyable evening eating and drinking my way to an early oblivion with Bobby Convey; I have found a new pleasure in being able to take my friends out to dinner, even though i'm unemployed come July. Sensible.
We spent time psychoanalysing each other; this Doktor of Pop Psychiatry was apparently rather hard to pin down but when it came down to it all my pushing of boundaries in interests, clothing etc belies a need for stability. I think Doktor Convey got it spot on.
I don't think I behave in a way that pushes people away so that I can "prove" that they truly care for me if they're interested, I think I just have non- mainstream interests. Sometimes I feel isolated by these interests but I wouldn't change my wonkily smart brain for anything.
On the subject of changing things, we had a discussion about that old chestnut "It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." I called bullshit on the phrase as I am an embittered old lag but upon talking about it with Doktor Convey I realised that it is true. For all the pain i've been made to go through I would say that I would probably go through it again. I wish I didn't have to go through it but once I start caring it's like I might as well give up, because the ache is going to happen anyway.
It's when they make you laugh so much that drink squirts out your nose. It's when they gently rest a warming hand at the base of your spine. When they pull you close whilst slumbering. Fingers picking imaginary bugs out of your hair. That grin that you can't help, the one that's so wide that it almost hurts.
A mere hour after waking I was off dahn tahn again to meet up with Nitram and associated associates to partake in the local Beer Festival. Spent two hours queuing and drank the grand total of about a pint and a quarter of pear, wheat and apple-based beverages (not all together). The piece de resistance was the purchasing of a glass of rose petal wine- because it's mere existence was bizarre- this was a bad decision, and before it was poured onto the grass I managed to force down around four sips. It was unpleasant. Something more pleasant was the pie I ate. Yum.
After a break to change and eat junk food I returned to tahn to continue with the alcohol consuming. I rendezvous-ed at the agreed co-ordinates but alas, Nitram and other associated drunks did not manage to make it all the way to where I was waiting and had stopped off at a nearby drinking establishment.
I decided to sit and finish my bottle of cider before moving on. I sat for an hour and a half and managed to sip my way through half the bottle. This is a record in drink preservation even for me. I sat, I people watched, I enjoyed feeling glum, I wavered between tears and happiness and I watched my fellow patrons watch a familiar girl with black-rimmed eyes and a long black ribbon that slid over one of her pale shoulders sit alone in a seat by the wall.
On the bank holiday I met up with an Aunt who is a professor of Latin literature, medieval studies and comparative literature. Awesomeness. We bitched about Hillary Clinton, neo-con nutjobs ruling America and a woman's right to choose- she is a Scot by birth but has dual nationality. We talked about parenting and I mentioned how I had issues with my Dad and his anger. She said that "whenever your Dad talks about you it is obvious that he adores you." I was fairly dumbfounded by this. Of course, my Dad is the human being of whom everyone says "he's a gent" "he's so mellow" who then belittles me and is furious when spilling tiny spots of coffee on the carpet and who has apologised to me once in twenty-six years of existence.
As an update to the work situation- Well, let's just say I am prioritizing... i.e. work that is not vital is not being done today. This entry has taken me four days to put together and clearly blogging is faar more important than professionalism. Must keep on top of things. Oh and have got web cam working. That I have no-one to talk at on. Priorities.
An evening dahn tahn visiting horrific young professional places beckons; I am not particularly looking forward to it but I figure I'll wear something nice that no-one will get to see. Yay.
