Thursday 20th April
I find myself today debating the pro's and con's of further interaction with Mid Atlantic.
Can I stay friends with him and stay neutral, detatched and isolated enough that I will not think he is great? Because by thinking he is great, am I just going to be opening myself up for more pain?
Might I find myself when tired wanting him to put his arms around me?
Would I be able to hug him goodbye without feeling sad?
If I drink when we meet up will I start to cry?
Will we have anything to talk about now, and will I want to talk? Will we use wrestling as a band-aid, and not be able to talk about what we used to in the past?
Somehow I feel like there has to be a point to our friendship now, and if that is not going to be a relationship that I am essentially wasting my affections. I remember I have felt this way before. Not that all my friendships are based on relationship-worthyness, fuckability of candidate etc, I guess I am just so fed up of being hurt and need to justify continued contact in some other way.
I do not think I can forgive him...
If I cannot forgive him, could we function as friends? If I set down some ground rules for our friendship, would I be alright and would our friendship be able to continue?
Think before you compliment.
No physical contact unless initiated by myself.
I am lied to again- I walk.
No discussion of your current relationship.
Accept you broke my trust and that you must now earn my friendship.
Understand I may never act the same towards you again.
Accept I might be a mess.
Apologies mean that you will not repeat the behaviour you have apologised for.
But at the end of the day, even with all these rules, will I not just end up being hurt... Fuck... What I wouldn't give to be loved just once...
Argh... fuckin' tears... today is not a good day...
