Saturday 1st April
One night a few years back I lost my mind.
It was my first year of university. I was not enjoying my course, I had isolated myself from friends through a relationship with an individual they did not approve of, and that relationship was wavering across the border of psychologically abusive. I would stay up 'til 8am looking at junk on the internet, downloading etc. and then sleep until I just missed lunch. I wasn't eating properly and I got down to 48kg, which for my height is really not good. A friend of mine along the corridoor had killed herself at the beginning of the year, and I felt incredibly guilty over her death in the way that suicide tends to make you feel.
My world revolved around this person (The Monster), he made me ridiculously happy and ultimately made me very sad. I was deeply unhappy. In what would become a theme of the years to come I would spend my time looking up the most effective and painless methods of suicide and scratch and cut myself when I was angry at my stupid, stupid self for once again believing his lies. It was easier to take out my hatred on my own body than to communicate with the other person.
I was effectively his mistress for years and years through two girlfriends; he would spend time with me before vanishing when I needed him the most. I was there for him through thick and thin, putting myself out for his wellbeing and his need for attention. I was sick of his behaviour, sick of constantly being teased with affection only for it to be taken away. I didn't turn up for classes, I spoke to my friends less and less and I would imagine they looked down upon me for who I was seeing. Not that I was ever in a relationship understand, I knew I was important to him, but as he said to me once I was "not girlfriend material". How those words haunted me.
"No, he is not so unworthy as you believe him.
He has broken no faith with me."
"But he told you that he loved you."
"Yes--no--never absolutely. It was every day implied,
but never professedly declared. Sometimes I thought it
had been--but it never was."
Anyway, there's the background. The night in question was a Summer Ball and the theme was James Bond. I spent a long time painting guns for us both, sewing a shoulder holster for him and sorting my costume (muy excellentay as per usual). So I'm having a good time, having a few drinks, people are gobsmacked that the messy be-combatted gal and the girl in slinky dress, suspenders and heels are one and the same, and The Monster is being nice to me.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say I'm not a demanding, high maintainence individual, but it was just a nice change for him to be paying me a little attention, even giving me a compliment. Whoa. So I am relaxed, with not a care in the world and I feel happy.
I leave The Monster and go back to my room for a few drinks with my previously isolated friends. We do shots. I have a few, but not so many that I am insensible. I tell them I'm going to change out of my outfit, so they leave and say they'll be back in a bit. Now things start to get a little hazy on the recall...
I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the junk-covered floor of my room. I sat, and I stared and then I started to sob. It just came out of nowhere; violent sobbing followed by a sense of detatchment from my surroundings. I stopped crying as abruptly as I started, changed into my regular clothes and went over to the sink in my room. I stared in the mirror at my tear-streaked face then roughly washed off the makeup and scraped my hair back.
I remember bracing myself against the sink unit and staring at myself, thinking how pathetic I looked. I picked up a scalpel that was lying by the sink (art requires such tools) and started to try and slice up the image before me, swinging wildly and slashing the artwork on the walls and tearing down my calendar- I was so angry. I can vividly remember half way through smiling at myself and thinking, "this is so stupid... such a cliche" before taking the blade up and slicing chunks out of my hair. There was a good handful in the basin when I heard a knock at my door.
I calmly put down the scalpel and unlocked the door. The Monster and some of my friends were there asking where I had been and was I coming up for another drink. He asked me whether I was alright and stepped into the room, telling the others to leave me alone for a bit and that I looked "off". They laughed, and I got the impression they thought i'd had a few too many, and left. The Monster locked the door and sat me down on my chair. He asked me to sit on my hands... I remember one of my legs bouncing nervously up and down and me starting to cry.
He looked at the hair in the sink, scalpels and room destruction and went around the room collecting all the sharp objects he could lay his hands on and put them in a box on top of my wardrobe. He got out of his tux and into his street clothes whilst talking to me to try and calm me down. I can't remember what he said, I just remember feeling really, really scared, like I had no control over my body.
I had problems with my hands- I can't say 'I made a fist' because it honestly felt like someone else was in charge of me- my hand balled into a fist so tight that it was excruciating, then would spasm back whilst I grabbed at my fingers to try and stop the pain. The Monster would hold my fingers to stop them digging into my palm whilst I sobbed and shrieked that I didn't have any control, was in pain and terribly frightened. He got me onto the bed and held me whilst I writhed around, having to kneel on my legs and put all of his weight on my wrists when I started punching the walls.
Next thing I remember was waking up in a tangle of duvet with The Monster asleep next to me, feeling like shit and incredibly ashamed. I wept whilst I surveyed the damage to my room and recalled the events of the night before. The Monster left soon after and I went back to bed.
My friends thought I was just drunk, and so did the GP when I went to see him a day or two later. He wrote me a prescription for a month of anti-depressants and said he saw a lot of behaviour like mine when he worked down A&E on a Friday night. I knew it wasn't just alcohol and that there was something terribly awry; I knew I was severely depressed and I knew the causes behind the depression. I am greatful that The Monster effectively saved my life that night, but at the same time, I cannot help but think he was a major factor in my unhealthy mental state. I just couldn't take it any more and cracked... The meds made me feel sick and didn't do anything for my mood; a trip to Texas a few weeks later to see a beloved friend was better than any SSRI.
It's taken years to be rid of my demons (mainly The Monster), and only now do I feel free. I was awkward and scared before I went into that non-relationship, and the experience hasn't exactly added a whole lot of goodness. In the words of The Hurricane, "I have issues..."
I know I am a caring, giving individual with a heart who, if i'm going to be egotistical here, is of high value; of higher value than quite a few inhabitants of this planet. At the same time however, there are always going to be people who see the good-hearted amongst us and seek to take advantage- my problem is that I care too much. When not ranting I am pretty easy going; some people think I am childish and stupid, I'd like to think I'm not.
The night I lost my mind is something I hope never to repeat. Never done it since, and I can't face going through it again. I feel happier now than I have in years- I'm doing something interesting and (usually) enjoyable, I may have very few friends but they are solid individuals one and all, one of whom tells me all sorts of horrible things that make me blush, feel mad and turn to goo all at the same time. I am female, so I multitask on that front.
Oh yeah, and don't ask me what's going on. Still don't know. Frosty... stay frosty...
Monday 3rd April
Bloody hell... It seems I was rather foolish to decide to spring clean and reformat my hard disk. It is now day three of what should have taken an hour or two... but at least I am connected to the net and everything seems to be working alright.
Met my long-time-no-see friend on Sunday afternoon dahn tahn, and it was really good to see her. Scary though how she's buying her first place with her amour- ak! I saw Inside Man later that evening- Highly enjoyable. For once a Spike Lee film (not joint, please) that doesn't pretend that race is the issue behind everything, excellent performances and wonderful music- Really hardboiled and soaring. Great stuff.
Then on to Mid Atlantic's for WrestleMania 22 AKA The Card of Suck. After wasting time getting nice and oh-so-smooth I arrived late to find a somewhat comatose Mid A laid out on the sofa, his usual self accessorised with a rather nice selection of bruises, scratches, dislocations, swellings and mud. He had a particularly pretty stud mark on one of his arms with bruising that ran all the way up to his shoulder. Sadly, I forgot to bring my camera so the painful aesthetics are consigned to my memory only; this isn't a bad thing though, when bored I can enbellish them in my mind.
He was making groaning/grunt type noises everytime he moved a muscle, and moving his arm to acknowledge me took a helluva lot of effort. Poor Mid A. Luckily for him I had arrived with brownies and associated snack-food products and of course the ray of sunshine that is my good self. Perked up in no time I tell you.
Anyway, WM was pretty rubbish as expected but enjoyable nonetheless, although I spent all night spazzing out due to caffine consumption. I'm sure this made me ultra popular with the injured individual in bed with me as I twitched and writhed the night through, and not writhe in a so-hot-right-now type of way. Rey Mysterio's aztec-style outfit was super cool, but him winning for Eddie is a total joke.
It was good to watch so much wrestling in one go, and not have to worry about skool the next day, plus the banter with Mid A is always appreciated, and of course gingerly given hugs are all good...
I'm still slightly confused as to the other status, but to be honest I'm too tired at the mo to wrap my brain round the problem... *twitch* argh!
Thursday 6th April
YouTube Kurt Angle "interviews" The Rock
DVDVR I Miss Goofy Kurt
Oh, and I have a new fleeting love for this track by Orson (YouTube). It's joyous with excellent juicy pop lyrics- of course I am the girl who everybody is staring at and the outfit that i'm wearing... It's good in a Pop Ya Collar type-away. I know i know. Usher. I have no shame.
I found it on this rather good probably dodgy site SeekASong, along with the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs track Gold Lion amongst others. Super.
Fantastically weird DVDVR thread of the image oddness that is professional wrestling
Friday 7th April
Courtesy of The Reverse CowgirlWow. Been an admirer for quite a while but i'd never seen Dita Von Teese (NSFW) do her glass routine until I watched this. Such beautiful milky skin, lovely body and really nice corsetry, but its the moves that count.
As someone who can appreciate the fine art of good undergarnments I think she's a class act. Hell, I may wear jeans, combats and t-shirts for 99% of the time, but I would wear more exotic get-ups if I had the money to invest in them, and more of an appreciative audience.
Not that the audience isn't appreciative, I just need to show more, and get more, if you get me. Gah.
On a similar NSFW theme, The Taste Tester is a blog detailing one gal's experiment into flavouring her boyfriend. Pretty hot reading. Educational of course.
Saturday 8th April
A lovely afternoon of food, chat and shopping with a long time no see friend has left me plum tuckered. I swear, an afternoon of wandering round the shops exhausts me more than lengths in the pool. I did however manage to get some nice new skool shoes and a selection of new underwear- super great stripy pants and matching vest, seamed stockings and some wifebeaters. Delightful.
It's just before me bedtime and I'm in a horrible mood; I'm warm and sleepy, and feeling kinda tactile would be the best way to describe it. I get tired, my brain slows down and the tactile feeling that runs through me makes me think of what I would like someone to do to me as I curl up in my blanket.
Warm fingers tracing my spine, soft caresses and gentle fingers in my hair. Sigh.
Wednesday 12th April
Back from a few days en famille.
Only one verbal sparring incident with my Dad... got to eat lots of (good) food to add to the overhang, I watched an episode of The Ultimate Fighter 3 (Shamrock's voice is way too girly for his face) and stayed up 'til 3.30am to watch most of Raw, giving up when I couldn't take the Mick Kick-ing anymore.
I cleaned out my fishtank and talked to my fish Twisty, watched a fine episode of The Wire and an old ep of ER (Carol's wedding [weep]), wandered round and wanted to buy half of the contents of the Craft Centre and browsed dodgy clothing and bondage gear with my Mum and brother in tow. Ahem. Not too bad then.
Candy Apple wrist restraints :: black frilly knickers :: leather mask
I love my old teddy bears and appreciate them when I'm back in my old room but being back to Patrick and the blanket is good... snuggle
Thursday 13th April
Okay, so his previous track Can I Have It Like That was laughable, but Pharrell's Mamacita is pretty darned good.
"Mamacita, Oh My God I think you're on fire..."
Follow it up with Gasolina and you have an afternoon of latin-themed banging. I'm sure you'll agree, that's delighful.
In other news, I am really fucking bored. Work to do and I don't want to goddamn do it. I want to dress up and go out and grind myself into someone's lap. Honestly, where is MW#1 when you need him? Mid Atlantic's busy... what's a girl to do?
Some work... :(
I'm finding it quite difficult to stay frosty at the moment. It's probably due to having too much time to think about things and me work aversioning.
I always have illegal amounts of fun with Mid Atlantic- If I have fun, then I will miss the fun when it's not there, then I will miss the purveyor of the fun, which I guess is what I always meant when I'd say "I like him too much". It's always been this way even before Mid Atlantic was coded into existence, before anything happened- He is important to me.
Does this make me a psycho bitch? Mental, demanding, manipulative, needy? I do not want to be coded as The Needy One- Hell no.
Somehow I feel like it's wrong to care; that I will always be the one who is "more into" the other and that I must come across as this big mess of boldness and fragility which can be contradictory never mind downright confusing.
I kinda feel like my affection is not felt in a similar fashion by the opposite party, but then that could be just because of the people I choose to care for; at least I don't want to appear that I care too much, because when everything fails I can just pass it off as nothing, tell people it's fine and it doesn't matter.
I could just treat everything as a deviant behavioural incident in our friendship and stick to being an Ice Queen. Which would make me really sad.
Or this could just be me spazzing out because I think too much... and all is right in the world...
Saturday 15th April
Wow. Cooking whilst inebriated is really fun.
You get an enormous sense of achievement when you have created something edible and managed to cook without injuring yourself in anyway. I find myself laughing as I stir, poke and fry, giggling as I hit the fridge closed with my backside and spilling things with a delighted "oops"...
After a couple of days of serious angst I feel a little happier tonight. Meeting up with a long-time-no-see friend was muy excellentay; it was really great to see his tall self; we had a good chat and catch-up and I feel a little less that I am an unreasonable psycho-bitch than I did before. Woo hoo!
Now I can feel a little more chilled about things... frosty is what I be baby... though gotta stay sharp on perimeter...
So with much resignation, I've decided to head back to the closed-off realm of the Ice Queen. It's sad.
Sunday 16th April
Goddamn it. Why oh why is Easter Parade not on? Of all days in the year, today is the day to schedule it. I love that film and it makes the perfect relaxed matinee; it has some fabulous routines and songs and Astaire and Garland are fabulous, although I always feel that Judy shouldn't have ended up with Fred (too old and mean). I should have planned ahead...
Monday 17th April
I received a very pleasant compliment today: Apparently, I am as tenacious as a lobster.
Okay, so it's not "beautiful like an iceberg" "sexy" "busty" or "waif-like" but it's meaningful as it comes from a good-hearted individual whom I respect greatly. Woo.
Okay. So though the "gift" of LiveJournal I have discovered officially that I AM A MORON.
I am just at a total loss...
How is it people can utter such kind words to me, saying things I am not used to hearing, so I start to get hopeful and believe and let my guard down, only for me to find out that those words were lies.
I thought of all people I deserved better; I do deserve better. I simply cannot believe this is happening to me again. Opening up for even the shortest time to find my heart gets stepped on.
If I felt somewhat used before I most certainly do now. I haven't shed any tears over this yet- I'm too shocked at the moment to cry. I also feel angry.
Right now I just feel very cold and unhappy.
Here I will vent about the reasons I am feeling sad and angry about what's happened. They are many and varied, and I will direct my rants towards Mid Atlantic and in a more round-about manner. I could start with:
- Given that me and Mid Atlantic have known each other for years we used to have quite a down to earth friendship- we'd talk about who he was seeing, how it was going, any problems he might be having with his significant other.
Before any physical intimacy occured I was totally under the impression that he was single; not a word was said about this other individual. Being single is important, as I spent six years being the bit on the side for someone else and I know what pain results from such an arrangement.
Overlooking of course the *minor* fact that cheating is wrong, and that I do not want to be made to feel bad and on someone else's behalf even if no relationship had resulted.
- In the weeks leading up to physical intimacy giving me lots of compliments about my brain or my appearance is now seen as dubious. I have a tough time believing anyone when they say such things about me; I know I am superior to the vast majority of women out there but at the same time being paid enough compliments to the point where you start to believe what is being said, only then to find out that actually everything is more or less meaningless, sucks.
- Mention to me that you have been thinking about getting into a relationship with me. Telling me that you are unsure, because you wouldn't want to "ruin what we already have." Being in a relationship with someone shouldn't mean that you ruin what is already to my mind an important friendship. Oh and also, I wouldn't be the one to ruin anything, I can guaran-damn-tee it.
Of course now I find out that you were in a relationship at the same time you were telling me these things. Nice. So that makes me both an easy mark and an easy fuck, right?
- The first time I had sex with Mid Atlantic it was fun, it was good, it was so great to be with someone new, and someone considerate at that. Mid Atlantic was all about being considerate both inside and outside the bedroom- sure, he seemed to keep himself closed up but was kind, courteous etc. as well as being intelligent, fun and a highly interesting human being, never mind the attractiveness.
So after the first time I was fine- I don't do one-night-stands but I was fine with it just being a one-off thing. I wrote an email to Mid Atlantic saying I had a good time, that I think that making a relationship out of our friendship might be a good thing, and that most importantly, I cannot do friends with privileges as it will end up hurting me. So basically I set out that if were to have any more sex it would have to be within the confines of a relationship. Only.
So when I go round to your house and sit squashed up into the opposite corner of the sofa because I am unsure what the situation is, making moves on me and then having sex with me to my mind seals the deal. Not only was I under the impression that you were single, I was under the impression that you understood what the implications of more intimacy could be.
- Continue to pay me compliments when in bed with you and tell me how much you enjoy spending time in bed with me, and that you "just enjoy spending time with me" are exactly the sort of things that will melt my heart a little. And that's all it takes to fuck things up.
- Given that I am usually such an Ice Queen- afraid to open up to anyone in case I get hurt, not believing what compliments people might pay me- how do you think this will impact my future behaviour?
I am beginning to think that any sort of emotional commitment to anyone is a big no no, because even before anything physical happened I cared for Mid Atlantic a hell of a lot; I thought he was great. I used to get really excited about going round to his place to watch wrestling or meeting up with him in town; we used to have such a great time together.
- Above all, I just feel really stupid that I fell for any of this tired old shit. Yes, I know it takes two to tango but I think I have behaved in my customary big-hearted, decent manner. I consider myself to be an upstanding, decent individual who generally treats people with kindness and respect, and if I don't then to be frank, you're not worth wasting time on.
You might say that there was never any commitment to any relationship and that I just got the wrong end of the stick about what was going on. To that I say bullshit- We've known each other for years and I thought we were pretty honest with each other, and I had let Mid Atlantic know what my thoughts and feelings were, initiating nothing specifically because I did not want to get hurt. The one-night-stand didn't ruin our friendship but the lies have done a pretty good job.
- Oh, and this is mean but hey- I think i'm entitled to write this :D It's somehow more depressing when you find out that someone's significant other is stupid, unattractive or superficial. It sounds warped, but by going for someone who wants to know where the other letter manuals are for C++ or writes about finding the perfect eyeliner with several exclamation marks attatched it's like they demean you all the more.
I think "okay, so don't go for smart, attractive, interesting old me but please do go for the ditz, because honestly you are a fool of whom I have no respect for anymore..." which is kinda fucked up, in that I used to hold certain individuals in the highest esteem.
So I'm feeling like the world's biggest idiot today. I also feel sad that what was once my most fantastic friendship has been fucked up.
Although I spent all night lying awake with both my heart and mind racing I feel less upset about everything today than I did last night. Today I just feel crushed.
I read Wikipedia for hours, watched An American in Paris and Singin' in the Rain and mooched about in my room thinking how stupid I am. I didn't do any work, fought some self-destructive urges, ate some cereal for lunch and waited to see if an email would drop into my inbox.
I have an idea that I may be waiting a long time...
From reading Mid Atlantic's girlfriend's blog I have formed a certain impression of her character. It's very interesting to me that every time so far high maintainence wins out over myself, or at least attracts more often- but this does not mean I will change.
I think it says more about the men in question than it does about me, but like I wrote below, it does make me feel a little depressed at just how easily some men's heads are turned and their hearts captured.
A friend called me to talk about what's happened and after a good long chat with him I feel better about things. At least I think I'll be able to get some sleep tonight, and without the visions of spiders, parasites and crustaceans (horseshoe crabs freak me out) that filled my head last night. Hopefully.
Inset day at skool tomorrow... My first day back. I am going to be given free lunch (woo) and get to visit another slightly more notorious school that has a very interesting art department. I am looking forward to this, but not doing all the work I have not done over the break in the upcoming few days. A combination of my own fault and extenuating circumstances i.e. my mind being on other things.
Still fairly gobsmacked about things; I feel like I deserve some sort of explanation- I am still so confused. It would be great to salvage our friendship of course, but I think the next couple of days are going to be fairly crucial in that regard- can it survive after such a betrayal of trust? Who knows...
My friend recommended emailing said female and telling her what Mid Atlantic has done. Just like with all the Monster's women I could have done that at any time, but really what is there to be gained from it? I'm far too nice for revenge- I am usually the one who is stepped on, I am not the stomper of hearts. I see it as none of my business- I am concerned primarily with my well-being; if they want to hurt others so be it. It's on their conscience at the end of the day, and is nothing to do with me.
This could be because I am an easy mark of course, rather than being a kind individual.
Let's just see what happens... whatever happens it will be an indicator of my worth and of his worth, and that is going to be pretty interesting.
Tuesday 18th April
So Mid Atlantic wrote and explained himself. I finally cried. A lot.
I have an idea that everythng that happened was just an impulsive event, in the same way that boys do stupid stuff at school and when you ask them why they did it they have no idea. I don't know if this makes things better or worse, I'm just so sad at the moment.
Continuing to go through life being treated like this is very difficult to bear. It's like getting close to someone in even the smallest way is eventually going to end up hurting me. By having too much fun with someone I seem to be doomed from the outset.
I wonder if I attract a certain sort of person, or whether somewhere deep inside my psyche I feel like I deserve to be punished for some reason, that I don't deserve to feel happy.
I don't hate all men, far from it, it's just the ones I choose to care for in an emotionally or physically intimate manner seem to take terrible liberties with my heart and are ultimately very uncaring.
Great, now i'm leaking from my eyes again.
Hooray! Some good things... My Gorgeous Texan has gotten engaged- And I am SO happy for all parties! They are both lovely people and deserve all happiness together, which I have no doubt they will have.
Someone around here should be happy :D
Also, it has touched me the way friends have rallyed round and offered support.
Nitram said that the whole affair has been good for me in a confidence way, in that if you re-read nopoke then it is clear what a good time I had and how happy I was... until the last few weeks of course, with my newly-gained confidence now gone...
It's a nice idea that all my thoughts and feelings, that good times and bad are preserved on here. It may make for saddening reading at times but I am glad it's all there.
Wednesday 19th April
School was pretty chaotic, and the nights of thinking, worrying and weeping have taken their toll somewhat. I'm really wiped out, and I still have lots of work to do I haven't done.
Although tired, today I feel a little better- I haven't had any eye-leakage at all, just feeling more generally down. I hope this trend of improvement continues.
Of course it remains to be seen what the future holds; whether I would like to see Mid Atlantic and whether Mid Atlantic would like to see me is as yet undecided.
Will he be able to take the fallout from what has happened, the anguish, the vitriol? Do my reactions reveal more about myself than he knew before? Will this alienate him?
I think he has reacted how I anticipated he would: This was the person I thought he was before- an honest one. This is of course, after I caught him in the lie.
I feel more positive about things overall but the last thing I want to be is a walkover.
So I have at the very least 1500 words to write for Friday. Number written so far? Eight.
Concentration level? Zero.
If you are unable to forgive a friend, can they still be friends with you? I mean you would like to remain friends, but if the other knows that you are unable to forgive can the friendship continue to be true?
Thursday 20th April
I find myself today debating the pro's and con's of further interaction with Mid Atlantic.
Can I stay friends with him and stay neutral, detatched and isolated enough that I will not think he is great? Because by thinking he is great, am I just going to be opening myself up for more pain?
Might I find myself when tired wanting him to put his arms around me?
Would I be able to hug him goodbye without feeling sad?
If I drink when we meet up will I start to cry?
Will we have anything to talk about now, and will I want to talk? Will we use wrestling as a band-aid, and not be able to talk about what we used to in the past?
Somehow I feel like there has to be a point to our friendship now, and if that is not going to be a relationship that I am essentially wasting my affections. I remember I have felt this way before. Not that all my friendships are based on relationship-worthyness, fuckability of candidate etc, I guess I am just so fed up of being hurt and need to justify continued contact in some other way.
I do not think I can forgive him...
If I cannot forgive him, could we function as friends? If I set down some ground rules for our friendship, would I be alright and would our friendship be able to continue?
Think before you compliment.
No physical contact unless initiated by myself.
I am lied to again- I walk.
No discussion of your current relationship.
Accept you broke my trust and that you must now earn my friendship.
Understand I may never act the same towards you again.
Accept I might be a mess.
Apologies mean that you will not repeat the behaviour you have apologised for.
But at the end of the day, even with all these rules, will I not just end up being hurt... Fuck... What I wouldn't give to be loved just once...
Argh... fuckin' tears... today is not a good day...
Work is so difficult to do at the moment. I am finding it awkward at skool to explain away my tired appearance, and it is difficult when people ask my how my Easter break was and what I got up to.
I can't concentrate, I feel it's seriously affecting my work but I can't tell anyone in authority, because I feel it's so pathetic. I got as far as "I moped around in my room... I've been having inter-personal issues with a certain individual..."
Teachers aren't allowed to do self-destructive.
I have this essay to do... if I make it to the end of the school day tomorrow in some sort of coherant shape, I will be greatful, and then the weekend... time to breathe. Hooray.
Friday 21st April
Fuck it. I'm done. I'm missing an important part of the essay (the appendix) but if I fail I shall just re-submit and plea stupidity. *Such* a good plan.
And so to bed.
Bloody hell, am I glad that week is over.
Saturday 22nd April
Awesome site with instructions how to make giant versions of biscuits, chocolate bars etc:
Pimp My Snack
I just like the idea of someone thinking it was a good idea to do this. Like one day you're sitting around drinking coffee and decide, Why Yes- That's what's missing from my life- An XXL Hob Nob.
But of course.
From SFGate
Do You Need A $500 Vibrator?
"/ Short answer: Of course you do. Longer answer: Wait, a what? Are you serious? Where?"
The magnolia trees in the surrounding streets are all just beginning to flower this week. I have always thought they were particularly beautiful but at a time when I am feeling down they are most welcome. It is odd that the paint shade called magnolia is notorious for being the dull colour of choice for lack-luster interiors when the plant itsself contains such beauty.
Yes, they're not exactly subtle, but stark, leaf-less branches covered with fluttering pink, white and cream flowers will thrill me every time.
Reading about them I find that they are actually very unusual plants- evolving before bees existed they do not really have true petals and have evolved to be tough to withstand the insect onslaught.
I want to go out and take some photos of them, but they seem to mostly exist in people's front gardens, and I realy don't want to freak the occupants out. I might go for a walk tomorrow and try and find some.
I think I am coming to some conclusions about what to do in relation to Mid Atlantic.
However, I think I will give myself three weeks and see if I feel the same way then.
May the 13th.
Lucky or unlucky for some...
Nuclear Nightmares is a beautifully produced website containing photographs from the areas surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear power plant.
Apparently the sarcophagus placed hurredly over the plant building is starting to crumble; a new one is going to cost 1 billion USdollars and will be completed in 2009.
Chernobyl.info
So I had a long, rambling discussion with a friend last night over pizza and g&t's about recent events. Everyone I talk to about things seems to be as suprised as me; as opposed to The Monster they all thought Mid Atlantic seemed a kind, genuine individual who seemed to be on the up-and-up.
The Monster was slick, self-centred and attention-seeking; Mid Atlantic *appeared* to outside observers to display an affection for me. So we discussed this, and pondered whether Mid Atlantic ever meant any of the things he said to me- the compliments, relationship comments etc. We came to the conclusion that through the balance of probablilities the answer was yes. This was just an opinion however, and the truth could be markedly different.
I think it is somehow slightly better to think that everything getting ruined was a one-off event rather than thinking that every line he ever fed me was bullshit. It's all academic now I suppose, because our friendship is broken, I have been hurt, he is happily high-maintainenced and I am alone.
I'm sure events do not loom large in his mind and that he will forget me soon enough, his life full of people and events. I on the otherhand, will have to deal with the after-effects of this whole saga for a long time to come. I've already grown a shiny new layer of ice to replace what melted and insulate myself from further harm. Hooray.
Three years of good times...
Sunday 23rd April
Informational video: Dance, Monkeys, Dance
Excellent interactive animation where you get to abuse salarymen... Hoogerbrugge
From Hiromi X: The 32% Club
Why is it that men regard sexual experiences more important and more satisfying than women?
Wow. I just heard on Jones and X.Ray the track "I Trained Her To Love Me (So I Could Break her Heart" by Nick Lowe. Super.
Yeah. So feeling like I want to puke upon reading things really helps with any decisions I may or may not have made.
Note to self: Try to read certain blogs but once per week to cut down on feelings of nausea.
Only another 20 days to think about it... Unless of course I move the self-imposed deadline forward.
I think I am far too neutral when it comes to dealings involving my happiness- I am anxious to be seen as reasonable and as far from a psycho as possible, because being called a stalker by a male is possibly the worst thing you can be called.
I have never been a stalker and don't think I could ever be one (independent observers confirm this) but I worry that I like people too much and that this might freak them out. Though on analysing my behaviour all it seems is that the people I am worried about offending really just don't like me that much.
Whilst typing to The Monster online last night he mentioned that he was finding it hard adjusting to being on his own. I had to laugh over this statement- I am the rather unwillingly confirmed batchelorette who has always been single without an ounce of commitment from anyone- so I have to say that my sympathies were shall we say, limited.
So taking inspiration from Hiromi and Dave Not Dave, I present 100 Things About Me (because my mind needs distraction)...
1 to 25
- I had my first kiss at 20. It was extremely nervewracking. My lack of intimacy throughout my younger years has ridiculously profoundly affected me when it comes to self-worth and relationships.
- I lost my virginity at 21. It was not a whole lot of fun and hurt.
- No-one has uttered the phrase "I love you" to me.
- I have locked-lips with a total of three people- two males one female. I couldn't say who was better... well actually, I could, but hey- I was drunk.
- I have had black, red, turquoise (well, more like green), blonde and shocking pink hair- the pink lasted approximately three days before I was threatened with being sacked. Illegally of course. The turquoise tips were my favourite and I miss them.
- At the moment my hair is too long and a faded shade of red.
- I used to have a loose, Beckham-esque mohawk. I loved it and wish I could have it back on a regular basis.
- When I had the mohawk, I used to get mistaken for a boy on a semi-regular basis. Or at least enough times to affect me.
- I'm a B cup.
- I have excessively long legs and a very short torso.
- I have two tattoos- one of a grey chrysanthemum on my left shoulder and a broken heart with tally marks below my right hip.
I thought about the shoulder tat for over a year and changed my mind when I got to the parlour. It took three and a half hours. I think it is very beautiful and has a variety of meanings, both historical and personal. I like to think it means "heart left to desolation" from the Language of Flowers but at the same time it makes me feel strong.
My heart tat relates to the idea of love being a chemical thing that runs out after 30 months, or, just enough time for a male to get with a female, knock her up and ensure the offspring survives the most vulnerable few months before moving on to new genetic horizons. It's scientifically proved. - I am 168cm tall.
- I have a BMI of approximately 19.5.
- I enjoy watching Monster Truck racing. Freestyle is the best.
- I really like eating both frozen and cooked fish fingers.
- I like wearing stockings and suspenders.
- I have never felt like I fit in anywhere when it comes to social interaction with peers. I hardly ever went to parties as a teen and would feel exceptionally awkward. This has carried through to the present day- The awkwardness I mean not the teenageness.
- I own two corsets.
- I really enjoy consumables that turn my tongue a different colour.
- I have had three surgeries to try and clear recurring growths on the inside of my sinuses.
- I am "a very allergic young lady" according to my consultant.
- I am allergic to dogs, house dust mites and grass pollen amongst other things.
- I often have an allergic reaction when I am exposed to swimming pool water, but this makes no logical sense.
- I don't like cats very much.
- I have had a total of four hamsters. Figment the regular hamster then Bob, Gozer and Ripley the Dwarf hamsters.
Monday 24th April
26 to 50
- I have a Weather Loach called Twisty. He can breathe atmospheric air when he has to and is an excellent escape artist.
- I used to swim competitively. My best strokes were freestyle and butterfly and I used to train six times a week. See entry #24.
- I am completely enamoured with watching professional wrestling.
- I have many nicknames. Examples include Monky, Poison, A, Len, Alien. I do not like to be called all of these.
- I identify with the idea of an Ice Queen and will use frosty metaphors for emotional hardship on a regular basis. I also identify with the idea of myself being poisonous due to my popular status with the opposite sex.
- I never liked a single boy band. However, I do enjoy watching Take That videos now for their retro effect
- I love watching musical films.
- I always start to feel very emotional when I watch the ballet scene from An American In Paris.
- I cry when I hear certain songs that are supposed to be uplifting e.g I've Had The Time Of My Life. I find them depressing.
- I cried when I went to see Madam Butterfly.
- I enjoy crime fiction and film noir.
- I have lots of celebrity crushes, spazzing-out over both actors and wrestlers... Double whammy.
- I really enjoy dressing up and put lots of effort into making my costume, far too much effort.
- I store lots of random facts in my head. I have a brain like a sponge and consider it important that I be able to identify a Pyjama Cardinalfish when I see one.
- I went to a selective single-sex school. It made me feel of little worth.
- Conversely, I consider that I am superior to the majority of the population, including most of my schoolmates.
- Then again, I am bad at selling myself.
- I think hope is one of the worst of all emotions.
- I am highly critical of both myself and others.
- I prefer not to hope for things, because when they go tits up I will not feel crushed.
- I viciously bite my fingernails.
- I love Lego. Not, however pink Lego or film-themed Lego (though I suppose Star Wars Lego is just about acceptable).
- I used to watch Star Wars IV over and over on tape when I was about five years old. The tape stretched and I now have an irrational fear of Le Piat D'Or adverts.
- I have never "gone out" with anyone.
- Brightly-coloured and interestingly textured underwear brings me great joy, but sometimes I feel down that no-one gets to see it.
51 to 75
- I don't bother to shave if I'm not going out or going to be showing my skin. This can lead to hilarity on the rare occasion I unexpectedly get intimate
- I don't wear much makeup (mascara, maybe eyeshadow) and consider women who do wear lots to be of lower worth than myself.
- I am bad at walking in heels.
- When I'm tired I can be very mean.
- I enjoy wearing mis-matched socks.
- I think Ellen Ripley is a role model.
- I get angry over things and rant a lot but find it difficult to discuss how I truely feel with intimates.
- I find it diffcult telling people what I want sexually.
- I get very nervous when put into what could become an intimate situation.
- I tend to bottle things up.
- When I am comfortable with someone, I greatly appreciate being touched. I long.
- I multitask on both cellulite and stretchmarks.
- I am 26 at the moment.
- I am usually to be found with a very messy room.
- My Dad makes a habit of belittling me and shouts a lot. This makes my Mum sad.
- I am a natural brunette.
- I have brown eyes.
- I have a scar on my eyebrow from a piercing.
- I would like to have offspring of some description.
- I've been told I have very soft skin.
- I have trust issues from commiting to individuals who would not commit to me.
- I think I would make an excellent life partner- smart, attractive and fascinating...
- ... but I have difficulty believing anyone will ever commit to me.
- I would like any significant other to be an intellectual equal. The brain is the biggest sexual organ.
- I really want someone I care for to talk dirty to me and tell me all the things they want to do to me.
76 to 100
- I would like to go out for a night out with this non-existant significant other wearing no underwear. I would like to behave in a slutty manner for this partner.
- I prefer Tate Britain to Tate Modern but my favourite gallery is The National.
- Art is very important to me. I enjoy going and sitting in the Rothko room in the Tate Modern and feeling kinda low.
- I have had bouts of depression from around age ten.
- I enjoy watching ice hockey- but please do not get me to explain the off-side rule. Or icing.
- I can easily explain the off-side rule in football (but maybe not the new 'active player' part)
- When I am very upset over something I get very strong urges to cut myself.
- I value brains over beauty.
- At the same time, I would like someone to acknowledge my physical features.
- I have an intense dislike of people riding roughshod over others.
- I do not like my bellybutton being poked. It feels horrible *eugh*
- I enjoy watching pornography and believe porn hase a place in our society and culture.
- I am a strong believer in women's rights- reproductive, employment and their general place in society.
- I believe that the death penalty is fundamentally wrong.
- I enjoy listening to WFMU, and Radios 2,3, 4 and 5 with the occasional late night visit to Radio 1. I am a big fan of latenight radio and think Rhod Sharp is a master.
- I really enjoy the odd cigar.
- I find injured men erotically stimulating- bruised, cut, scraped etc. This is called traumaphilia.
- I do not get turned on when treating injuries- I am in fact more competant than most.
- I have a toy starfish I made called Patrick. He is important to me and I tell him my problems and he keeps my secrets. He will never abandon me :)
- I like having fingers run through my hair, and I enjoy doing the same to others.
- I long for an intimate to give me a massage. Mmmm.
- I go through phases of twitching when I relax. This phase can last for weeks, especially when I am stressed.
- I often find it difficult to get to sleep.
- I wake up at around 10am on a Saturday and lie in until 2pm snoozing and listening to the radio.
- I would like to spend an afternoon snoozing under a blanket in the arms of an intimate.
Tuesday 25th April
"I want your skin. I want your mouth. I want your eyes."
#84
Today I am having a "feeling okay about things" day. Much as I get a het up about things (hey, that's me) I think the three weeks timeline is going to be helpful, although I am unsure as to whether or not I will have made the correct decision.
Day-to-day I change my mind about things. It's all very confusing... this may just be because I am confused.
From artnet Dias de Los Muertos: the work of Enrique Metinides (NSFW)
Wednesday 26th April
Another day of improvement. I am watching the last series of the Sopranos very late at night and I am greatly enjoying myself- I get sleepy, my brain is taxed just enough and I have the odd laugh. I am then grateful to crawl into bed and snuggle down with Patrick for a night of peaceful slumber, but of course sleep is not easily found.
The Sopranos makes me sleepy because it distracts me, so when I am alone staring into the dark with Patrick I think of other, less welcome things. So it takes me another hour or two to drop off where previously I was having difficulties staying awake.
I also wake up an hour or so before my alarm goes off. This makes me even more tired and thus late for skool. I hope my early waking ceases; it could be the newly-returned inhabitants of my hall waking me (though I sleep with earplugs as a matter of routine) or the seasonal light coming through the thin curtains in my room. I think it's mainly due to the emotional shenanegans of late- depression is really unhelpful when it comes to a rested night.
To cheer myself up, I am in the process of getting one of Amy Pfaffman's alphabet pasta necklaces from Timeless Treasures made for me. Pfaffman's work is unusual and eye-catching being made with unusual materials in interesting combinations- silver coffee bean bracelets, rings made from teddy bear eyes and necklaces of stubs of coloured pencils.
The world may be a smaller place courtesy of technology but it's still a delight to me to correspond with a stranger half-way across the world. I know it's a transaction, but it's just a small portion of niceness in my day and this is appreciated.
Saturday 29th April
"if it feels this good getting used/you just keep on using me/until you use me up"
Bill Withers - Use Me
Hot.
diddy wah Work Songs Pt.3
Courtesy of diddy wah- (currently with a good selection of Prince Buster tracks).
diddy wah mixtape greatness
Sunday 30th April
So I met up with a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a while at the Beer Festival.
Leia Ewok Village "So how's the you and Mid Atlantic thing going?"
Me "Oh... haven't you heard? I thought you'd read about it..."
*proceeds to give blow-by-blow recap*
L E V *jaw drops*
L E V "But... from watching you two interacting... I thought, well I thought he cared for you... WTF?" "I can't believe it" "he's betrayed you" "should fight for you" "I should have known... after his behaviour when I met him in town" "he seemed genuine" "seemed to care"
Me "Yeah...."
So that's now every person who attended my birthday piracy outing ready and willing to offer services as Mid Atlantic head stovers-in. A private army so to speak.
But as I said whilst drunk to another friend- The jury's out on that... I feel better in myself and now want to meet up with him; however, do I just want to meet up because I want to jump his ignorant bones, because I miss him because I miss the fun? Am I even allowed to miss him- I mean is this just me liking him too much and longing for things that cannot be?
If I accidentally come across him and High Maintainence I am going to feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world- This would happen when I'd see The Monster's version of High Maintainence, an intense feeling of nausea and panic. I suppose this will happen whether we remain friends or not; it's not like I frequent the young professional hang-outs she favours so hopefully the chances will be slim. Will remaining friends simply mean that I continue to be hurt- Outwardly the "riot to be around" whilst keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and inwardly crying? Am I even allowed to have fun anymore or does fun equal future pain?
I was always so careful before not to inflict myself upon him too frequently as I knew he needed space and I know I can be a bit overwhelming to some, especially as I am usually so excitable around him. I would rarely text or email him and hardly ever initiate online conversation, preferring to wait until he felt he was ready for my own perculiar brand of fun. This required discipline and was difficult and I guess is another reason why when things did finally happen everything seemed to hit that much harder.
I think i'll be okay; In a way just continuing with how I behaved before: not contacting, not appearing to care a whole lot about things and keeping myself tightly contained, trying my utmost to never expect or hope for anything and pretending everything is fine.
I also paid 20 quid to get my hair cut. It's not good. Oh, for the days of having a mohawk...
