Saturday 21st June
Today has not been a good day. I'm allergic to something (life) and i've not been able to sleep properly for the last couple of nights and it's getting to me. My face has swelled and my nose somehow manages to be both blocked and running at the same time. Whassupwiddat??? My bin looks like a giant hamster is using it for a nest it is so full of tissues.
My piercing also seems to be growing out; the skin is getting quite thin over it, I'll have to take it out and get it re-done. I've got that tattooing urge at the moment too- Self harm the expensive way. Lack of cash prevents me from indulging right now as i blew a large amount on tickets to see Queens of the Stone Age at Brixton on Monday 23rd. Due to a number of factors i'm now going alone to watch from the balcony. I'm not exactly looking forward to what should have been a night of joy. Of course, there's the added cost of a travelcard, food (BK), drink (cider at £3.00 a pint) and the compulsary merchandise purchase.
I've been feeling down recently and my allergies add to my misery. When i'm feeling down i replay and rehash past events in my mind, thinking and worrying about things i don't really have much control over. I usually end up alone back at the ranch, the lonesome cowgirl in the rocking chair. Things just get to me and it would sometimes be nice to have someone i could share with, good things and bad. I've just got heart ache. Sad to say but i miss the physicality of a relationship. I say miss, but what i really mean is yearn for, as i haven't ever been in any sort of relationship. I don't mean physical like random sex but curling up with someone, holding them or the simple intimacy of a kiss. To be lost in that moment and not have my demons barracking me from the back of my mind as i lean in. Not to have to worry who's watching or why my partner is with me or how long for. Disorganised i may be but i actually want to be there for someone, help them out and give them all the crazy love i've got inside of me. My name's Monky Moo and i've gotta lot of love to give...
My surrogate Boyf is a sex toy and a stuffed toy. A sex toy for pleasure and Patrick the handmade starfish for curling up and spilling my guts to. The remaining hamster died a couple of weeks ago so i don't have her to talk to anymore. Patrick is a good listener and isn't judgemental about the way i look or how i feel. He's great! He won't leave me or ignore me but he also can't hug me back or give me a back rub. I give lots of love but don't receive much back. Where have i experienced that before...?
