Monthly Archives: December 2014

Break – The Essay – Festive Introspection

So i’m off work for the Christmas break AT LAST. I’ve done fuck all so far, and have nothing planned other than the yearly trip Oop North to visit the family for a week or so. Then it’s back home to my space, my rules (or lack of them) and zero family strife to tackle The Essay.

The Essay is the one piece of writing I have to do for the first year (only year if I don’t want to/can’t continue to MA level); in theory it shouldn’t be too intimidating, but having zero clue as to what to write is giving me The Fear. I’ve done research, collected data, read papers and books etc. but I feel I have achieved little, but then perhaps this is the point – “further research needed”. Also, i’ve not written an academic essay in nearly ten years. Yikes.

I know I can write well, and have been given pointers on how I should approach the essay, but where to start – even when it’s been set out for me – is daunting. How to make an argument? What is the point of what i’ve actually been doing? Anyway, I have that to at least get started on – it’s due in towards the end of January, so a week off work seems like a good time to start.

I know what i’m like though. I’m really poorly motivated when it comes to most things, but have found (thanks Reddit!) that making lists of things I need to do and giving myself options – even doing one thing from the list per day – is better than nothing, and does help ease my perma-inaction-anxiety a teeeeny bit. Have to break it down into small sections I think.

Other than that, this is definitely the time of year where I can particularly easily drive myself to tears through reminiscing or pondering upon things, mainly what I perceive as a lack of progress in my life. An active imagination is great to have is all I can say, or at least it’s great when the fantasizing doesn’t result in my wanting to curl up in a ball and perma-meld with my pillow. Yay!
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Final Cut – Quiz Domination

Neon Nightmare

Me and McCy went to see Blade Runner: Final Cut last week when it was re-released nationally for the weekend. Knowing it was a highly-rated, ground-breaking film, years back I watched it on the small screen and was left feeling very underwhelmed; after watching it on the big screen I have changed my opinion – it’s still a film of suffering, endless grind and emotional distance, but there are small flickers of humanity that I hadn’t noticed before – maybe I just didn’t get it before.

As to the musings on the nature of being human-front, i’m not so sure that there’s much of a difference – it’s a wonderfully complex film to look at and contains shots of great beauty and design, but the emotional connection is still mostly absent. Maybe I need to watch it another five times.

Something that struck me as very strange – the love story between Deckard and Rachael, or more specifically the scene where they first get together. I found it quite uncomfortable when he orders her to say that she wants him and manhandles her around his apartment. I loves me some manhandling when I get the opportunity, but the scene didn’t sit right with me. How much is personal autonomy, how much is wanting to please, how much is replicant programming? Perhaps that was the point.

Final Cut vs. Director’s Cut comparison

Tangentially related…

For the first time in, oh, I can’t even remember the last time, I took part in a pub quiz, or to be more specific McCy invited me to a charity quiz in a local bar. There was a good mixture of general knowledge, celebrity, film, literature and “guess the Tube stop” picture rounds and a variety of teams of different sizes, probably thirty or so people in total. Booze was consumed and a very good time was had – it was nice to revel in being nerdy and have my endless knowledge put to some (good?) use.

Naturally we had to come up with a suitably witty, knowing team name, so given the Blade Runner viewing, “Daryl Hannah’s Disembodied Finger” popped into my head and so we were thusly named. Haha.

Anyway, our team of two ended up trouncing the field by nearly fifteen motherfucking points. Oh yes. I couldn’t believe it when the results were announced – I thought we came fourth – as we were a small team up against groups of six and eight. A bottle of rum was won, which I have taken custody of, which will almost certainly live out its days untouched in a kitchen cupboard. Yeah!
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I’ve a new book about a subject i’m actually interested in yet I can’t make much headway on it as i’m getting distracted so easily ugghhhh… I am merrily reading away and my concentration starts to wander, so I end up re-reading the same paragraph over-and-over, and nothing goes in.

Then, I start thinking about the essay I need to write for my course and how none of the kids are helping me with my research, how something i’m doing to help me escape work is being sabotaged by work, and how I miss romantic companionship – I concoct imaginary conversations with people that usually go something along the lines of:
“Seeing anyone? Hahahahahaha – You must be joking. Mankind doesn’t give one shit about me. The only expression of interest I get takes the form of some mild sexual assault whilst out clubbing”
then I start feeling sad and then get stuck in a loop exploring my thoughts and feelings instead of focusing on the text. And i’m interested in my topic.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why I like binge watching various TV series, as I can put my brain into neutral and be thoroughly absorbed with no room for dwelling?

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Not a problem. At. All.

Lying awake attempting to sleep but thoughts of work ridiculousness run around my brain, and my heart begins to race.

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