Monthly Archives: January 2014
“I do pottery and Pilates and still at same job still looking to leave blah blah blah…”Talking with Le Grande Homme Brum yesterday about how things are going in our lives; I’m all, oh, it’s the same old same old and then we spend over an hour talking about our apparently un-eventful lives. Haha.
Amongst many other things he asked how “my love life” was, which is a topic I never bring up myself because, well, ugh; I refreshed his memory about Coppell (nearly two years ago now) and then Colorado and Petrichor last Summer, and how there’s nothing outside of that, and how i’ve given up looking.
“Oh Miss monky moo…” he exasperatedly said in reply.
I understand why he might express exasperation at my apparent giving up, because as a friend, he wants me to be happy, but at the same time, I feel like “looking” for a partner is a stupid concept. To me, not looking means accepting that the chances of meeting anyone are extremely slim, and that I need to basically get on with a life lived without a partner. I might live alone, but I’m not alone, as I have friends. I’m not closing myself off to the idea, swearing off men and going celibate, just learning to work with what I haven’t got, namely opportunities to meet anyone.
As I explained to Le Grande Homme Brum, I have but one friend who lives in the same town as me, as everyone else has moved away, so no chance of being referred on; my immediate colleagues in my women-dominated workplace are all women and all older with families (we don’t socialise), and all the things I enjoy doing outside of work are all overwhelmingly women-dominated (pottery and Pilates).
Embarrassingly, when I talked about Petrichor and my singledom I found my voice wavering, even as I tried to sing-song my voice to cover up the emotions running near the surface. The great majority of the time, I am fine about being on my own; there are times when I think of Petrichor and wonder how he’s doing, and there are times when I imagine having a partner about to help me out with small things – most often when my back is sore and i’d appreciate a hug and rub of my lower back. Then I feel glum. Outside of that, well, as Petrichor was so fond of saying, it is what it is. I’m okay.
So where does the emotion come from? Is it always there, out-of-whack with how I express it? What does talking about it to someone do – why does sadness well up, why does my chest feel tight and my voice catch? I find talking about my feelings difficult at times, and feel weak and vulnerable when my emotions are brought to the surface. Does my upset indicate that I have not dealt with how I feel, that i’m repressing things to make life easier? Maybe I just need to take some deep breaths and come back to the topic of conversation at hand when I feel more settled?
Usually I write it off to either being tired or hormonal flux. Is it that though?
How to go about working out what is wrong I have no idea. As someone who is excellent at empathising with others, listening and offering sound advice, I don’t know how to help myself.
begets emotional slump.
begets emotional slump.
I’ve only worked a four-day week, but I’m fucking exhausted. Super looking forward to the weekend and some quality blanket time. Urrrggh.
That two-hour post-lunch nap you took today monky was not the best of ideas (stares at clock rolling towards 4am).