Monthly Archives: December 2011


It’s 1am and i’ve only just finished packing. Oh dear.

Comments Off on Lately

Speed Bump

Today Coppell found out where he might be posted when he gets to the end of his six months in the UK: Bombay, and for a year.

My first reaction: Woah. India? Twelve months? Fuuuck.

I’ve always known that he was going to move about for a fair few years – woe betide me if I stand in the way of his ambitions – and have considered whether or not i’d be willing to up sticks and move to be with him. I guess i’m surprised at the location and length of stay- both of these had not figured in my thinking with regards possible futures, which is pretty stupid, but there you go.

I should try not to think too much about this new information i.e. file it towards the back of my mind because:

  • A lot can happen in six months. We could end things. Plans could change.
  • I’m about to be on the same side of the ocean as he is in one-and-a-half days and need to enjoy myself without holding back.
  • A reality check from all the excitement!!! is salutary.
Bed. Patrick. Hugs.
Comments Off on Speed Bump

He’s Just A Love Machine

Tom Jones, 1976.

This man should be made illegal.



Comments Off on He’s Just A Love Machine


Three days to go now until I flee the country. I’ve finished the buying of things exciting (presents) and boring (anti-histamines), the clothes I need to take are hanging drying post-wash and i’m using up things in the fridge. I’ve checked the weather at LHR, ORD and PIT and all seems well, no snow or high winds. I have no idea on the volcano front however :D

No actual packing has begun – that will happen Thursday night – but i’ve made a big bag of the stuff I need to take that’s ready for sorting out. Tomorrow I think i’ll spend my evening painting my nails and doing more boring stuff, like taking out the recycling, doing some washing up, considering what if anything I need to add to my Clip.

I continue to ponder just how destroyed i’d be if Coppell didn’t pick me up from the airport and disappeared from the face of the planet. I have to look after myself and so although I am VERY EXCITED!!! I know I must have fall back plans in case my invasion doesn’t go as planned. Retreat plan: Credit card and weeping down the phone to my parents. Very mature, i’m sure you’ll agree.

At the same time, I can barely contain my excitement at the thought of being in the same room as him. Falling asleep with him, waking up next to him, laughing at stupid stuff… I am even looking forward to being teased by him (he is highly skilled at keeping a straight face whilst winding me up). Ugh.
Comments Off on Prep

Once Upon A Time

Once Upon A Time
Tony Bennett
from Tony Bennett’s Greatest Hits, Volume III 1963

Comments Off on Once Upon A Time

Hormonally Challenged

What the fuck is going on with me?

Specifically, my body…

It’s a long story, but to summarise, I came off the Pill earlier on this year as although it regulated my periods I felt that my libido was sort of flattened (yes, the only sex I was having was with someone I love but that’s still important), so I wanted to see what would happen if I came off it.

Anyway, that was back in March. I knew that my body getting used to life without synthetic hormones would likely take many months, but i’m pretty fucking confused as to what exactly is going on. So, off the Pill in March, periods in August and September. Hooray, I think, “normalcy”. No period since then however.

Am I pregnant? THREE tests say no (hello paranoia), so i’m guessing a trip to the GP is on the cards post-Christmas. It’s extra confusing because i’ve hormonal podge, get cramping, have a sore lower back and breasts, am irritable and also extra tired, all the typical menstrual symptoms, but no period. WTF body???

Of course, now i’m actually having some sex – sporadically I will admit (thanks Ocean) – but I don’t want to intervene hormonally or otherwise on the contraception front until either my body gets back onto some sort of even keel or I find out what’s going on.

This gives me a little bit of angst floating around at the back of my mind as i’d rather use something other than a thin layer of latex to hold back on the continuing-my-species front. Not right at the moment, thanks very much.

In the spirit of the scientific method, I feel it’s not wise to change anything until I know more. Anyway, knowing my luck I will finally get my period just as i’m actually breathing the same air as Coppell, which wouldn’t be an issue but i’d rather not have to spend time curled up in pain if I can possibly avoid it :)
Comments Off on Hormonally Challenged

Your Mum

So the wonky girl i’ve a soft spot for who had a falling out with her bestest friend last week was deeply, deeply upset at school today, after what looked like a promising start – her and her buddy were making amends and friendship seemed to be back on the cards.

I took Wonky girl (aged fourteen) into the department’s office where we could talk without the other girls overhearing; I sat her down, fed her some Haribo (it’s medicinal) and asked her what had happened.

One of the older special needs kids (sixteen years old) who attracted her buddy away had called her buddy a
“Spastic Retard”
to her face, and Wonky girl had stood up for her friend and told her that she couldn’t call her that.
“Why don’t you fuck off?”
came the reply. When Wonky girl objected to being told this and said that she couldn’t say that to her, the older girl said
“Oh, why don’t you go fuck your Mum. Oh, that’s right, you don’t have one, do you?
Wonky girl doesn’t live with her Mum as her mother is unable to look after her (the old incompetent mother but continues to have loads more kids syndrome); instead she lives with an Aunt and sees her Mum every couple of weeks at court-arranged, monitored sessions. And these girls are “friends” with these vulnerable kids.

I told Wonky girl and her buddy,
“I’m not your Mum (all right, i’m your Art Mum) and so I can’t tell you who to be friends with, but these girls are saying the most horrible things to you both, upsetting you and making you feel really really sad. And they’re supposed to be your friends? I can’t tell you who to hang around with, but they are horrible to you and I think you should walk away. You don’t owe them anything, and you deserve to be happy.”
It’s interesting that the vulnerable kids, the ones who are least able to construct and maintain positive friendships, always seem to flock together. The friendships are full of drama with people falling out repeatedly over the smallest things; those least able to cope are the ones most easily hurt.

Anyway, Wonky girl had stopped crying and her buddy seemed happier by the end of my little pep talk. I told them that they were always welcome in the Art department and my classroom (as long at they’re not too bananas) and that i’m going to kick those horrible girls out.


On a happier note, Wonky girl left me a Christmas card stuck to my computer monitor :)
Comments Off on Your Mum


In The Ghetto
Sammy Davis, Jr.
from Something For Everyone 1970

Comments Off on Dig

The Unexpected Disclosure – Sad Kids

These Are Not The Sweets You're Looking For

visit the troops by photography.andreas [cc]

Fucking hell, the end of term CANNOT come soon enough.

This week as well as actually teaching lessons, i’ve had to deal with one of the members of my form telling me that her Dad has been beating her for years, another of my form is hugely sad because a close family friend is unlikely to make it to Christmas courtesy of cancer and one of my favourite “wonky” vulnerable kids has had a falling out with her closest friend and has been down for days.

A LOT of Haribo has been doled out this week let me tell you. UGH.

Comments Off on The Unexpected Disclosure – Sad Kids


Blahzay Blahzay
from Blah Blah Blah 1996


Look at the high-waisted, stone-washed jeans.

Ah, the Nineties were grand.

Comments Off on Danger!

Two Months, Eleven Days


So, as of today me and Coppell have managed to collectively survive two whole months divided by an ocean. Eleven days from today we’ll actually be in the same room.

During our last Skype session I was struck by just how very aesthetically appealing he is to me, which is a bit embarrassing to admit, as i’m not exactly fifteen any more. OMG he iz teh dreamy!!! He makes me go all *squee*.

Comments Off on Two Months, Eleven Days

Matterhorn Hibernation

Oil on Canvas

Gerhard Richter

I was going to go into Lahndahn tahn today to have lunch at Tate Modern and take in the Gerhard Richter exhibition; as my lazy morning has pootled by i’ve decided to postpone and go next weekend instead and stay in and keep cracking on through Matterhorn (I am really enjoying it).
Comments Off on Matterhorn Hibernation

Only You

Only You from Portishead 1997 (Video by Chris Cunningham)

Portishead: Their music ruled the early years of my university “education” as I was embroiled in a toxic relationship and coming close to losing my mind on occasion; it’s deep, darkly beautiful stuff that i’d forgotten about until something reminded me of its brilliance and I searched for it at work. I have pretty good speakers in my classroom :)

The phrase “Only You can tear me apart” was something I considered getting tattooed, reversed, onto my shoulder; I printed the “lyric” out (again, backwards) and blu-tacked it to the wall opposite my mirror. The lyric is actually “Only You can TELL me apart” :)

Yes, looking back I was being all Emo – the standard reply these days would be “Ohhh woe is meeeeee!!! Just go cut urself alredy!!!” – to which I could respond with an “Aaaand…? Yeah, cutting already. ThanksSoMuch!”. Today, I can’t even remember the last time I self-harmed. Fuckin’-A.

As was my usual way of coping i’d turn the anger I should have felt towards The Monster inwards, and punished myself by cutting; getting a tattoo I would look at every day and be reminded of how much I hurt inside was along similar lines. I wasn’t happy, and was depressed for months at a time.

My university years were *not* good, but setting my past anguish aside I can appreciate the music anew. Now I tend to agree with the YouTube commenter who mentions how good this trip-hop would be to have sex to :D

A couple more favourites:

Half Day Closing

All Mine (creeeepy little girl alert)
Comments Off on Only You