Weekend Gender Play


Miami

Miami by ewilman [cc]

This weekend I decompressed from a pretty stressful week at work by watching all of series two of Miami Vice (the S1 box set awaits). This was my first foray into Vice and I was immediately smitten; for all its pastels and girls in bikinis i’ve noticed that a great many episodes end on a downer or end sharply with no follow up as to the terrible thing that has just closed the episode. Awesome.

In many episodes I laughed and from time-to-time I also welled up, but what I did a lot of was shouting at Crockett when he hooked up with yet another bad choice on the woman front. “Now you know how it feels to be used, Crockett!” was one choice line I uttered as a rather crumpled Crockett suddenly realised he’d just been fucked (literally) by an international terrorist.

I *hate* it when that happens, don’t you?

I’ve been pondering just why it is I seem to love male fictional protagonists to the point where i’d like to dress up as them. At fifteen I weirded the crap out of my friends by dressing as The Crow for my birthday party, then it was Han Solo in my twenties. There’s something terribly beguiling about the edgy (anti-)hero, yet Crockett is a Good Guy and as much as I love to ogle him I don’t go to bed in my head with him so to speak. To actually “become” him is much more exciting.

It’s not that I don’t find him attractive, so perhaps its the dynamism, the thrusting male? I sometimes find myself identifying with the masculine, probably because I feel I don’t feel fully comfortable with my feminine side. I love putting on makeup and heels, but then again it’s because of the power aspect- Towering over others is something I really enjoy.

Am I confusing attention with power?

In my relationships I have often lacked power, or should I say I have not been assertive when I should have for my best interests. In bed i’ve not found myself very comfortable with taking control of things, but that could be down to my partners and the shitty relationships I was in?

It’s odd that I am relatively comfortable in a rubber dress that clings to every curve, choose to have deep red spiked hair and also wear bright colours, but that I have not been comfortable in any of my relationships. There’s a dichotomy going on: On the one hand I feel like I push people away with my usual dress and attitude; on the other I love dressing up, going bananas with eye makeup and costuming.

I AM CONFUSING.

In the words of Patrick Star:

3 Responses to Weekend Gender Play

  1. S says:

    I was 21 years old when Miami Vice hit the tube. Jeez I’m getting up there (26 YEARS AGO)! I remember what an edgy show it was for its time – and those dark endings were completely cutting edge. I remember thinking how cool crockett was and how awesome it would be to live on a boat.

    To me at that time, the show just exuded power: money, drugs, sex, and danger. None of which I had at the time (well never have had drugs – except for the occasional, OK frequent, alcoholic beverage of my choice. A vice I continue, except for now.)

    Anyway, I was also in law school at the time and something I noticed then and still believe today is that a smart, attractive woman is the most dangerous adversary because she’ll out think the male while he is distracted by her physical features.

    And so while I take from your post that you don’t fancy yourself as empowered, trust me. You are. And in my opinion the fact that you engage with those around you in ways that challenge them to think outside the ordinaire, i.e., in latex or ala crockett, only goes to show the depth and strength of your personality.
    Before we were married, my wife and I went to a club in Honolulu and I was wearing a latex dress shirt with koi on it. Awesome shirt, but it threw the casual onlooker off. It was fun seeing how people reacted to a guy in a rubber shirt.

    And in my book, if you are uncomfortable with it, move on. The one who engages you and can stand toe to toe, that’s the one you want.

    So anyway, random musings from out here in the desert. Thanks for awakening my nostalgia for MV.

  2. monky says:

    Firstly, forgive me S for breaking your comment up; it helps me read it more easily when it’s in blocks.

    I wonder if my Vice obsession is related to a new feeling of the need for a bit of change? I think it all stems from my going back into the pool- I just feel a bit different? It’s not like i’m suddenly an athletic badass, I just feel like something small yet substantial has occurred.

    Like you say, people that can’t see past a “look” probably aren’t worth the effort; recently at work i’ve been reminded yet again of the disparity between my ability as a member of staff and how the powers-that-be expect my ability to be. Fuckers. At least the kids see past it…!

    Anyhoo, what should it matter if short hair and a less obviously feminine dress sense makes me look “boyish” if that is what I like? Perhaps I should STOP ANALYSING!

    I’m guessing that the Koi shirt doesn’t go particularly well in the desert…! I know that when I take my dress off I am always really really icky underneath- A just lovely mix of perspiration and talcum powder from the dress. Nice :D

    I’m guessing that you’re currently in a 90% male environment that expects people to tow the line and leave their personal expression at the door? Not everyone in the armed forces is the product of a cookie cutter, but I guess that sometimes it must be tricky to be something “other” when most of your interactions are in uniform.

    Keeping a balance between individuality and team identity must be hard at times I suppose i’m saying, but at the same time i’m not saying everyone in uniform is the same and that I can’t see beyond the label. Actually, I dunno WTF I am trying to say…! My apologies. I really need some sleep!

  3. S says:

    No sweat on the breaking up; I do the same thing (and didn’t do you any editorial favors with my lack of organization…) A few notes…

    I think your new feeling is growth; you had a hard knock and are taking a new approach is my guess. Go for it I say. And I also say we should all wear whatever we like. And wouldn’t it be nice if people didn’t judge others by what they wore, said, thought. That is certainly not my world at the moment – you are right about the tension between individuality and the team mentality. Definitely not a place where one plays “Guess which one is not like the others.” And I suppose that’s what you want when in an organization that survives only if everyone acts together. I cope by trying to write some stories and goofing around on my ukulele in the short bit of free time we have. C’est la vie.