Weekend Gender Play
Miami by ewilman [cc]
This weekend I decompressed from a pretty stressful week at work by watching all of series two of Miami Vice (the S1 box set awaits). This was my first foray into Vice and I was immediately smitten; for all its pastels and girls in bikinis i’ve noticed that a great many episodes end on a downer or end sharply with no follow up as to the terrible thing that has just closed the episode. Awesome.
In many episodes I laughed and from time-to-time I also welled up, but what I did a lot of was shouting at Crockett when he hooked up with yet another bad choice on the woman front. “Now you know how it feels to be used, Crockett!” was one choice line I uttered as a rather crumpled Crockett suddenly realised he’d just been fucked (literally) by an international terrorist.
I *hate* it when that happens, don’t you?
I’ve been pondering just why it is I seem to love male fictional protagonists to the point where i’d like to dress up as them. At fifteen I weirded the crap out of my friends by dressing as The Crow for my birthday party, then it was Han Solo in my twenties. There’s something terribly beguiling about the edgy (anti-)hero, yet Crockett is a Good Guy and as much as I love to ogle him I don’t go to bed in my head with him so to speak. To actually “become” him is much more exciting.
It’s not that I don’t find him attractive, so perhaps its the dynamism, the thrusting male? I sometimes find myself identifying with the masculine, probably because I feel I don’t feel fully comfortable with my feminine side. I love putting on makeup and heels, but then again it’s because of the power aspect- Towering over others is something I really enjoy.
Am I confusing attention with power?
In my relationships I have often lacked power, or should I say I have not been assertive when I should have for my best interests. In bed i’ve not found myself very comfortable with taking control of things, but that could be down to my partners and the shitty relationships I was in?
It’s odd that I am relatively comfortable in a rubber dress that clings to every curve, choose to have deep red spiked hair and also wear bright colours, but that I have not been comfortable in any of my relationships. There’s a dichotomy going on: On the one hand I feel like I push people away with my usual dress and attitude; on the other I love dressing up, going bananas with eye makeup and costuming.
I AM CONFUSING.
In the words of Patrick Star: