Today I saw MW#1 for the first time in nearly eight months. He’d asked if he could see me and I agreed thinking the experience might help me; newly-armed with the inspirational contents of Jane Fonda’s autobiography I felt more sure of myself than in a long while.
All this went out the window when a half hour before our meeting I realised that a serious case of the nerves had taken up residence in my stomach and quite a lot of Pilates breathing – in through the nose, out through the mouth – did nothing to shift them. I thought to myself “Oh for fuckssake!” as my body seemed to betray all the careful thinking I had done.
So we met and wandered into town for a cup of coffee; altogether we spent around an hour and a half by the riverside. It was difficult; I spent most of the time feeling all twisted up inside, even though we didn’t discuss anything about the non-relationship. He did most of the talking as I sat and focused on not crying; there were long periods of silence where I just sat there and didn’t say anything, not wanting to help out with the awkwardness.
As I didn’t engage, he talked about himself, his job, his interests. I talked a little, mostly replying in a monotone as I struggled to keep my emotions in check. I want to be able to clearly communicate my thoughts and feelings on things but I didn’t think I could do so without losing it, and that clear communication would not make.
He appeared smaller and softer than I remembered, and talked confidently about himself and other things whilst appearing a little vulnerable. I can’t put my finger on it but he was just… I dunno… sort of a bit more fragile.
I felt absolutely zero warm and fuzzy feelings towards him, nor any good-will. I don’t even know if I feel any love towards him, not at the moment, certainly. I did feel pained and choked up and unable to tell him how i’ve been feeling or what i’ve been thinking. I suppose these things are because i’m trying to keep everything back at the moment so I can function better over coffee.
He wants to meet up for another coffee next week; if this does happen – he’s not exactly got the best record for keeping appointments – perhaps this time I will be able to talk a little more freely. Probably not but maybe the exposure will help move me towards speaking up, or at least spend a bit more time in his company without feeling utterly sad the entire time. Ugh…