After a few rather trying days and having spent the last couple being seriously upset, things have evened out, and I feel better. Calmer, tear-free, much more comfortable.
Although I didn’t do it face-to-face, for the first time I shared how I feel with MW#1, opened up a bit, complained about things, how he treats me and how difficult I find it. Thank goodness for instant messaging :)
It’s not like anything has been fixed, and I am unsure as to whether it ever will be, but after keeping everything inside so much of the time it feels good to get some of that stuff out there. Takes a little of the pressure off I suppose. It was a difficult conversation, but I felt like I needed to have it, as I was feeling so much emotional pain at the time. And it was a conversation, with both of us sharing, asking questions, wanting clarification.
At the moment there is no future for the undefined “thing” we’ve got, so aside from the fact that I love him there is very little point to it. I don’t want to spend every weekend with someone, nor do I want to spend every hour with them, but if I like them and enjoy their company I want to spend some time in that company. One of my problems is that for such a cynical old bastard I see hope and potential where there is very little evidence to back their existence. I don’t expect any relationship to match up to whatever bullshit is pushed on me by society or the glossies, but it would be just nice I guess to “do” stuff, like spend more than twenty-four hours with the someone I cared for!
I have hopes, stuff I would like to do in the future, and at the moment none of those things are feasible with MW#1 behaving how he does. It would be lovely to spend a bit of extended time together, see if I drive him nuts or he drives me nuts. Go away somewhere for a week, or a weekend. Get away from things, go places. Live. None of these rather simple ambitions have been accomplished, and I am not positive that they ever will be.
It’s the stifling effect. Whatever people say about not needing to have someone special in your life, that you can do whatever the fuck you want as a single person- I think that’s a load of baloney. Things aren’t as fun on your own, in fact to me at least they can be depressing- you have no-one to share the experiences with, no-one to share your excitement about the small things in the world that you encounter. Geckos! Aquariums! Muscle cars! Deserts! Eat-all-you-want buffets! Sweaty wrestlers! Pirate Lego! Life is almost certainly better when there’s someone around who will lovingly roll their eyes at your excitement or indeed geek-the-fuck-out with you.
By choosing to remain loyal to MW#1 I am depriving myself of experiences I want to have, experiences that I do not think are unreasonable, that I feel like I am almost goshdarned entitled to be able to have, or not as I decide. I’m not saying I demand these things, but I never really “get” any of them, and this makes me feel very sad indeed- I feel like things are missing. Is it wrong to want someone to love, and to want them to be with you and you with them?
All this soul searching navel gazing is of course totally academic anyway, because i’m not ready to end things, nor do I want to. So it’ll be a while yet of same-old same-old… curling up blissful with him one moment, wanting to beat him with a large stick the next… and I would be devastated if he decided to end things. Ah… the complex chemical/behavioural/genetic interaction that is known as love…