Shiver City

Edited 09/11

MW#1 invited me round his place for food and Family Guy (hello cankles); things were more than a little strained to start off with. I found myself thinking, “this is bollocks, I want to go home” but after McDonalds and a glass of red I grew warm and fuzzy and relaxed and I began to enjoy myself.

We talked about pleasingly random things, we mocked each other a bit, I appreciated his mastery of making popping noises using his mouth and his fingers; In a shocking turn of events I even got to stretch out on the same sofa as him- It was a good evening. I had not just been invited round because there was wrestling to be watched, I had been invited round on my own merits, because he would like to see me- This was an improvement.

He is however still in the penalty box. He implies that it won’t be long until he sees me again but I know from past proclamations that any such statement has to be taken with a metric tonne of sodium chloride. Just because he can make me shiver with pleasure all the way from my head to my newly-painted toenails does not mean he can escape my wrath, nor does it mean that our messy non-relation/friendship is resolved or back on track…

In an embarrassingly clichéd way, I feel more than a little relaxed today. I want to write about what he does that makes me feel so, but knowing the readership of this navel-gazing tome, I don’t want to make my readers vomit onto their keyboards…

Will he once again ignore me for months? If this turns out to be the case will I be able to ignore the intense feelings of calm contentment that wash over me when he holds me close and end our non-relation/friendship? Am I just being used for sex? At times I feel like I should just walk away, but then there are evenings like the above, where I am reminded why I was friends with him in the first place.

And my clothes smell of him, and the folds of my skin offer up slivers of scent when I move as reminders of his gentle, lingering touch and his soft speckled skin… but then I sleep alone again and he spends his time giving pleasure to others whilst I hug a soft toy for comfort. Le sigh.

Edit- I’ve been pondering this all day as I wasn’t happy with the end of this post. It’s not that I sleep alone when he is off giving pleasure to others, it’s more painful that he is off living his life with another. I’m well-trained enough to know not to ask who he is living it with instead of me but still it hurts. Do I need that emotional pain in MY life?

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