Le weekend le sigh

I was feeling really fed up and fairly rubbish at the start of the weekend; It’s ever so sad to admit, but the last day or so has been immeasurably improved by some exposure to MW#1.

I can never sleep when i’m sharing a bed- I think my brain is over-stimulated by the presence of Other, so I spend the entire night merely dozing or twitching like a spazz. When morning does eventually come I look like shite and when i’m left alone I become comatose at the nearest opportunity. So I can say that my sleep is definitely not improved by seeing him, but I certainly feel calmer… just more at ease even if things are still unresolved.

It’s the small things that brighten my day- small things that I feel very guilty for valuing and enjoying. Things like the ridiculous number of kisses he bestows upon me and how much they make me smile; the smell, warmth and textures of his skin; quiet moments when he dozes with his head resting on my chest…

I feel so bad for enjoying these things. That they are wrong and I am wrong for gaining such pleasure from them, from him.

MW#1 has mentioned that he has difficulty with my analytical approach to things. I think an example of this is when he pays me a compliment and I feel the need to dig behind it to test his veracity- for example when he has complimented me on the feel of my skin, I have to ask how it feels any different from anyone else’s and go on to state that surely everyone else’s feels like my skin and thus that he must be talking rubbish.

I find it hard to accept compliments at face value; my past experience has led me to treat compliments as somewhat dangerous and in need of further investigation. I just hope MW#1 can bear with me as I learn to accept that he might just be sincere, is not “after anything” and may genuinely care. Note- Although a promise to discuss things was extracted, I was far too busy being warm and smiley to talk.

I really do need to talk so I can understand how he feels and I can try and modify my behaviour if I feel it’s necessary. I would very much like to sort things out between us so I can begin to fully enjoy myself and get rid of the guilt I feel at every turn…

That is if the discussions have a favourable outcome.

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