Hallowe’en 06


I had a muy excellentay evening dahn tahn with Nitram and friends; I had two bottles of cider and was inexplicably worse-for-wear. I hadn’t seen him in aages so it was super good to drink and talk and chill(ax) to some reggae in the Iguana. The night culminated in me shrieking excitedly as MW#1 carried me purposely home across his broad shoulder…

Man had hunted and was returning to his lair with his prize… who happened to be dressed as a satanic schoolgirl and flashed a backside clad in gold lamé as she was bounced along on his shoulder. Awesome.

I was most concerned at preserving my modesty… MW#1 saw to that notion. Oh dear.

So still no conversing of things that we should converse about. I have been informed however that the world as we know it is not human kinds to share in, but is apparently MW#1’s, and I just happen live in it, baby. This came as a bit of a shock. Of course being a kind and generous dictator, sorry, Supreme Being, I have been granted a permit to exist and explore…

I asked him whether this permit came with a 00 specification, but alas I got no reply.

I want to be strong and able and tough and try and appear so to others because I do not wish to appear weak i.e. I feel (wrongly) that to be feminine is to be so inclined… but I like feeling small when I rest my head on his chest and am surrounded by his skin and calmness and warmth…

I can forget my innate dorkyness and incompentance for a while whilst he wends a trail of kisses along my collarbone, gently slides my hair out of my face to kiss my nose… I feel feminine… or when I try and press every square inch of my skin to his and I feel like i’m a human shield against harsh realities…

Reality needs to be faced though. I can’t fully give in, relax, be, whatever you want to call it until I feel i’m secure, until I feel that he won’t walk away and break me mid-thaw when i’m vulnerable. As much as I think people should not change whomever they’re with, I think you’ve got to give a part of yourself up for the other, otherwise you’ll just stay separate, isolated, alone.

‘Tis mighty perplexing.

Eugh, skool tomorrow. Fuck.

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