Back pain


Pain in my back that makes me feel sick and makes my breathing very shallow. Not good.

Arranging a meet up with Mid Atlantic for next week. It’s going to be awkward fun. How will I feel when he walks through the door? What will we talk about? Him and his behaviour? Or everything else but what happened and ignore the elephant in the room? Or would it just be better to pretend nothing happened, because I might get upset, and Mid Atlantic has never seen me cry…

I did not do anything wrong but in some warped way I feel like I was to blame for me getting hurt- Like a victim opening the door to an assailant. I know that whenever I would get hurt by The Monster I would behave in a very specific way: Self-contained, distant, viewing everything through narrowed eyes and a protective shield of ice. Anything to stop myself getting hurt again. “You alright Monky?” “Yes.” “It’s just you seem sort of distant.” “I’m fine.” Work it out!

As I wrote to Mid Atlantic, saying sorry means you will never do it again- There is no need to keep apologising, especially when misdemeanors are repeated ad infinitum so that sorry becomes meaningless. I have been upfront about my thoughts and feelings on events rather than burying them as with The Monster, and it’s not like Mid Atlantic has no idea what he’s done wrong. Maybe it’s my warped thinking, but I think what he did pains him, as it should do- Or maybe I just like to think that it pains him. He should suffer for his transgressions mwah mwah mwah… Ahem.

I want to see him because I miss him because I thought he was great. Am I on a losing streak from the very outset?

Ow… back… need rub… sigh

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