Monthly Archives: April 2006
I also paid 20 quid to get my hair cut. It’s not good. Oh, for the days of having a mohawk…
So I met up with a couple of friends I hadn’t seen in a while at the Beer Festival.
Leia Ewok Village “So how’s the you and Mid Atlantic thing going?”
Me “Oh… haven’t you heard? I thought you’d read about it…”
*proceeds to give blow-by-blow recap*
L E V *jaw drops*
L E V “But… from watching you two interacting… I thought, well I thought he cared for you… WTF?” “I can’t believe it” “he’s betrayed you” “should fight for you” “I should have known… after his behaviour when I met him in town” “he seemed genuine” “seemed to care”
So that’s now every person who attended my birthday piracy outing ready and willing to offer services as Mid Atlantic head stovers-in. A private army so to speak.
But as I said whilst drunk to another friend- The jury’s out on that… I feel better in myself and now want to meet up with him; however, do I just want to meet up because I want to jump his ignorant bones, because I miss him because I miss the fun? Am I even allowed to miss him- I mean is this just me liking him too much and longing for things that cannot be?
If I accidentally come across him and High Maintainence I am going to feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world- This would happen when I’d see The Monster’s version of High Maintainence, an intense feeling of nausea and panic. I suppose this will happen whether we remain friends or not; it’s not like I frequent the young professional hang-outs she favours so hopefully the chances will be slim. Will remaining friends simply mean that I continue to be hurt- Outwardly the “riot to be around” whilst keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself and inwardly crying? Am I even allowed to have fun anymore or does fun equal future pain?
I was always so careful before not to inflict myself upon him too frequently as I knew he needed space and I know I can be a bit overwhelming to some, especially as I am usually so excitable around him. I would rarely text or email him and hardly ever initiate online conversation, preferring to wait until he felt he was ready for my own perculiar brand of fun. This required discipline and was difficult and I guess is another reason why when things did finally happen everything seemed to hit that much harder.
I think i’ll be okay; In a way just continuing with how I behaved before: not contacting, not appearing to care a whole lot about things and keeping myself tightly contained, trying my utmost to never expect or hope for anything and pretending everything is fine.
“if it feels this good getting used/you just keep on using me/until you use me up”
Bill Withers – Use Me
diddy wah Work Songs Pt.3
Courtesy of diddy wah- (currently with a good selection of Prince Buster tracks).
Another day of improvement. I am watching the last series of the Sopranos very late at night and I am greatly enjoying myself- I get sleepy, my brain is taxed just enough and I have the odd laugh. I am then grateful to crawl into bed and snuggle down with Patrick for a night of peaceful slumber, but of course sleep is not easily found.
The Sopranos makes me sleepy because it distracts me, so when I am alone staring into the dark with Patrick I think of other, less welcome things. So it takes me another hour or two to drop off where previously I was having difficulties staying awake.
I also wake up an hour or so before my alarm goes off. This makes me even more tired and thus late for skool. I hope my early waking ceases; it could be the newly-returned inhabitants of my hall waking me (though I sleep with earplugs as a matter of routine) or the seasonal light coming through the thin curtains in my room. I think it’s mainly due to the emotional shenanegans of late- depression is really unhelpful when it comes to a rested night.
To cheer myself up, I am in the process of getting one of Amy Pfaffman‘s alphabet pasta necklaces from Timeless Treasures made for me. Pfaffman’s work is unusual and eye-catching being made with unusual materials in interesting combinations- silver coffee bean bracelets, rings made from teddy bear eyes and necklaces of stubs of coloured pencils.
The world may be a smaller place courtesy of technology but it’s still a delight to me to correspond with a stranger half-way across the world. I know it’s a transaction, but it’s just a small portion of niceness in my day and this is appreciated.
Today I am having a “feeling okay about things” day. Much as I get a het up about things (hey, that’s me) I think the three weeks timeline is going to be helpful, although I am unsure as to whether or not I will have made the correct decision.
Day-to-day I change my mind about things. It’s all very confusing… this may just be because I am confused.
“I want your skin. I want your mouth. I want your eyes.”
76 to 100
- I would like to go out for a night out with this non-existant significant other wearing no underwear. I would like to behave in a slutty manner for this partner.
- I prefer Tate Britain to Tate Modern but my favourite gallery is The National.
- Art is very important to me. I enjoy going and sitting in the Rothko room in the Tate Modern and feeling kinda low.
- I have had bouts of depression from around age ten.
- I enjoy watching ice hockey- but please do not get me to explain the off-side rule. Or icing.
- I can easily explain the off-side rule in football (but maybe not the new ‘active player’ part)
- When I am very upset over something I get very strong urges to cut myself.
- I value brains over beauty.
- At the same time, I would like someone to acknowledge my physical features.
- I have an intense dislike of people riding roughshod over others.
- I do not like my bellybutton being poked. It feels horrible *eugh*
- I enjoy watching pornography and believe porn hase a place in our society and culture.
- I am a strong believer in women’s rights- reproductive, employment and their general place in society.
- I believe that the death penalty is fundamentally wrong.
- I enjoy listening to WFMU, and Radios 2,3, 4 and 5 with the occasional late night visit to Radio 1. I am a big fan of latenight radio and think Rhod Sharp is a master.
- I really enjoy the odd cigar.
- I find injured men erotically stimulating- bruised, cut, scraped etc. This is called traumaphilia.
- I do not get turned on when treating injuries- I am in fact more competant than most.
- I have a toy starfish I made called Patrick. He is important to me and I tell him my problems and he keeps my secrets. He will never abandon me :)
- I like having fingers run through my hair, and I enjoy doing the same to others.
- I long for an intimate to give me a massage. Mmmm.
- I go through phases of twitching when I relax. This phase can last for weeks, especially when I am stressed.
- I often find it difficult to get to sleep.
- I wake up at around 10am on a Saturday and lie in until 2pm snoozing and listening to the radio.
- I would like to spend an afternoon snoozing under a blanket in the arms of an intimate.
51 to 75
- I don’t bother to shave if I’m not going out or going to be showing my skin. This can lead to hilarity on the rare occasion I unexpectedly get intimate
- I don’t wear much makeup (mascara, maybe eyeshadow) and consider women who do wear lots to be of lower worth than myself.
- I am bad at walking in heels.
- When I’m tired I can be very mean.
- I enjoy wearing mis-matched socks.
- I think Ellen Ripley is a role model.
- I get angry over things and rant a lot but find it difficult to discuss how I truely feel with intimates.
- I find it diffcult telling people what I want sexually.
- I get very nervous when put into what could become an intimate situation.
- I tend to bottle things up.
- When I am comfortable with someone, I greatly appreciate being touched. I long.
- I multitask on both cellulite and stretchmarks.
- I am 26 at the moment.
- I am usually to be found with a very messy room.
- My Dad makes a habit of belittling me and shouts a lot. This makes my Mum sad.
- I am a natural brunette.
- I have brown eyes.
- I have a scar on my eyebrow from a piercing.
- I would like to have offspring of some description.
- I’ve been told I have very soft skin.
- I have trust issues from commiting to individuals who would not commit to me.
- I think I would make an excellent life partner- smart, attractive and fascinating…
- … but I have difficulty believing anyone will ever commit to me.
- I would like any significant other to be an intellectual equal. The brain is the biggest sexual organ.
- I really want someone I care for to talk dirty to me and tell me all the things they want to do to me.
26 to 50
- I have a Weather Loach called Twisty. He can breathe atmospheric air when he has to and is an excellent escape artist.
- I used to swim competitively. My best strokes were freestyle and butterfly and I used to train six times a week. See entry #24.
- I am completely enamoured with watching professional wrestling.
- I have many nicknames. Examples include Monky, Poison, A, Len, Alien. I do not like to be called all of these.
- I identify with the idea of an Ice Queen and will use frosty metaphors for emotional hardship on a regular basis. I also identify with the idea of myself being poisonous due to my popular status with the opposite sex.
- I never liked a single boy band. However, I do enjoy watching Take That videos now for their retro effect
- I love watching musical films.
- I always start to feel very emotional when I watch the ballet scene from An American In Paris.
- I cry when I hear certain songs that are supposed to be uplifting e.g I’ve Had The Time Of My Life. I find them depressing.
- I cried when I went to see Madam Butterfly.
- I enjoy crime fiction and film noir.
- I have lots of celebrity crushes, spazzing-out over both actors and wrestlers… Double whammy.
- I really enjoy dressing up and put lots of effort into making my costume, far too much effort.
- I store lots of random facts in my head. I have a brain like a sponge and consider it important that I be able to identify a Pyjama Cardinalfish when I see one.
- I went to a selective single-sex school. It made me feel of little worth.
- Conversely, I consider that I am superior to the majority of the population, including most of my schoolmates.
- Then again, I am bad at selling myself.
- I think hope is one of the worst of all emotions.
- I am highly critical of both myself and others.
- I prefer not to hope for things, because when they go tits up I will not feel crushed.
- I viciously bite my fingernails.
- I love Lego. Not, however pink Lego or film-themed Lego (though I suppose Star Wars Lego is just about acceptable).
- I used to watch Star Wars IV over and over on tape when I was about five years old. The tape stretched and I now have an irrational fear of Le Piat D’Or adverts.
- I have never “gone out” with anyone.
- Brightly-coloured and interestingly textured underwear brings me great joy, but sometimes I feel down that no-one gets to see it.
So taking inspiration from Hiromi and Dave Not Dave, I present 100 Things About Me (because my mind needs distraction)…
1 to 25
- I had my first kiss at 20. It was extremely nervewracking. My lack of intimacy throughout my younger years has ridiculously profoundly affected me when it comes to self-worth and relationships.
- I lost my virginity at 21. It was not a whole lot of fun and hurt.
- No-one has uttered the phrase “I love you” to me.
- I have locked-lips with a total of three people- two males one female. I couldn’t say who was better… well actually, I could, but hey- I was drunk.
- I have had black, red, turquoise (well, more like green), blonde and shocking pink hair- the pink lasted approximately three days before I was threatened with being sacked. Illegally of course. The turquoise tips were my favourite and I miss them.
- At the moment my hair is too long and a faded shade of red.
- I used to have a loose, Beckham-esque mohawk. I loved it and wish I could have it back on a regular basis.
- When I had the mohawk, I used to get mistaken for a boy on a semi-regular basis. Or at least enough times to affect me.
- I’m a B cup.
- I have excessively long legs and a very short torso.
- I have two tattoos- one of a grey chrysanthemum on my left shoulder and a broken heart with tally marks below my right hip.
I thought about the shoulder tat for over a year and changed my mind when I got to the parlour. It took three and a half hours. I think it is very beautiful and has a variety of meanings, both historical and personal. I like to think it means “heart left to desolation” from the Language of Flowers but at the same time it makes me feel strong.
My heart tat relates to the idea of love being a chemical thing that runs out after 30 months, or, just enough time for a male to get with a female, knock her up and ensure the offspring survives the most vulnerable few months before moving on to new genetic horizons. It’s scientifically proved.
- I am 168cm tall.
- I have a BMI of approximately 19.5.
- I enjoy watching Monster Truck racing. Freestyle is the best.
- I really like eating both frozen and cooked fish fingers.
- I like wearing stockings and suspenders.
- I have never felt like I fit in anywhere when it comes to social interaction with peers. I hardly ever went to parties as a teen and would feel exceptionally awkward. This has carried through to the present day- The awkwardness I mean not the teenageness.
- I own two corsets.
- I really enjoy consumables that turn my tongue a different colour.
- I have had three surgeries to try and clear recurring growths on the inside of my sinuses.
- I am “a very allergic young lady” according to my consultant.
- I am allergic to dogs, house dust mites and grass pollen amongst other things.
- I often have an allergic reaction when I am exposed to swimming pool water, but this makes no logical sense.
- I don’t like cats very much.
- I have had a total of four hamsters. Figment the regular hamster then Bob, Gozer and Ripley the Dwarf hamsters.
Yeah. So feeling like I want to puke upon reading things really helps with any decisions I may or may not have made.
Note to self: Try to read certain blogs but once per week to cut down on feelings of nausea.
Only another 20 days to think about it… Unless of course I move the self-imposed deadline forward.
I think I am far too neutral when it comes to dealings involving my happiness- I am anxious to be seen as reasonable and as far from a psycho as possible, because being called a stalker by a male is possibly the worst thing you can be called.
I have never been a stalker and don’t think I could ever be one (independent observers confirm this) but I worry that I like people too much and that this might freak them out. Though on analysing my behaviour all it seems is that the people I am worried about offending really just don’t like me that much.
Whilst typing to The Monster online last night he mentioned that he was finding it hard adjusting to being on his own. I had to laugh over this statement- I am the rather unwillingly confirmed batchelorette who has always been single without an ounce of commitment from anyone- so I have to say that my sympathies were shall we say, limited.
Wow. I just heard on Jones and X.Ray the track “I Trained Her To Love Me (So I Could Break her Heart” by Nick Lowe. Super.
From Hiromi X: The 32% Club
Why is it that men regard sexual experiences more important and more satisfying than women?
Informational video: Dance, Monkeys, Dance
Excellent interactive animation where you get to abuse salarymen… Hoogerbrugge
So I had a long, rambling discussion with a friend last night over pizza and g&t’s about recent events. Everyone I talk to about things seems to be as suprised as me; as opposed to The Monster they all thought Mid Atlantic seemed a kind, genuine individual who seemed to be on the up-and-up.
The Monster was slick, self-centred and attention-seeking; Mid Atlantic *appeared* to outside observers to display an affection for me. So we discussed this, and pondered whether Mid Atlantic ever meant any of the things he said to me- the compliments, relationship comments etc. We came to the conclusion that through the balance of probablilities the answer was yes. This was just an opinion however, and the truth could be markedly different.
I think it is somehow slightly better to think that everything getting ruined was a one-off event rather than thinking that every line he ever fed me was bullshit. It’s all academic now I suppose, because our friendship is broken, I have been hurt, he is happily high-maintainenced and I am alone.
I’m sure events do not loom large in his mind and that he will forget me soon enough, his life full of people and events. I on the otherhand, will have to deal with the after-effects of this whole saga for a long time to come. I’ve already grown a shiny new layer of ice to replace what melted and insulate myself from further harm. Hooray.
Three years of good times…
Nuclear Nightmares is a beautifully produced website containing photographs from the areas surrounding the Chernobyl nuclear power plant.
Apparently the sarcophagus placed hurredly over the plant building is starting to crumble; a new one is going to cost 1 billion USdollars and will be completed in 2009.
I think I am coming to some conclusions about what to do in relation to Mid Atlantic.
However, I think I will give myself three weeks and see if I feel the same way then.
May the 13th.
Lucky or unlucky for some…
The magnolia trees in the surrounding streets are all just beginning to flower this week. I have always thought they were particularly beautiful but at a time when I am feeling down they are most welcome.
It is odd that the paint shade called magnolia is notorious for being the dull colour of choice for lack-luster interiors when the plant itsself contains such beauty.
Yes, they’re not exactly subtle, but stark, leaf-less branches covered with fluttering pink, white and cream flowers will thrill me every time.
Reading about them I find that they are actually very unusual plants- evolving before bees existed they do not really have true petals and have evolved to be tough to withstand the insect onslaught.
I want to go out and take some photos of them, but they seem to mostly exist in people’s front gardens, and I realy don’t want to freak the occupants out. I might go for a walk tomorrow and try and find some.
Do You Need A $500 Vibrator?
“/ Short answer: Of course you do. Longer answer: Wait, a what? Are you serious? Where?”
Awesome site with instructions how to make giant versions of biscuits, chocolate bars etc:
Pimp My Snack
I just like the idea of someone thinking it was a good idea to do this. Like one day you’re sitting around drinking coffee and decide, Why Yes- That’s what’s missing from my life- An XXL Hob Nob.
But of course.
Bloody hell, am I glad that week is over.
Fuck it. I’m done. I’m missing an important part of the essay (the appendix) but if I fail I shall just re-submit and plea stupidity. *Such* a good plan.
And so to bed.
Work is so difficult to do at the moment. I am finding it awkward at skool to explain away my tired appearance, and it is difficult when people ask my how my Easter break was and what I got up to.
I can’t concentrate, I feel it’s seriously affecting my work but I can’t tell anyone in authority, because I feel it’s so pathetic. I got as far as “I moped around in my room… I’ve been having inter-personal issues with a certain individual…”
Teachers aren’t allowed to do self-destructive.
I have this essay to do… if I make it to the end of the school day tomorrow in some sort of coherant shape, I will be greatful, and then the weekend… time to breathe. Hooray.
I find myself today debating the pro’s and con’s of further interaction with Mid Atlantic.
Can I stay friends with him and stay neutral, detatched and isolated enough that I will not think he is great? Because by thinking he is great, am I just going to be opening myself up for more pain?
Might I find myself when tired wanting him to put his arms around me?
Would I be able to hug him goodbye without feeling sad?
If I drink when we meet up will I start to cry?
Will we have anything to talk about now, and will I want to talk? Will we use wrestling as a band-aid, and not be able to talk about what we used to in the past?
Somehow I feel like there has to be a point to our friendship now, and if that is not going to be a relationship that I am essentially wasting my affections. I remember I have felt this way before. Not that all my friendships are based on relationship-worthyness, fuckability of candidate etc, I guess I am just so fed up of being hurt and need to justify continued contact in some other way.
I do not think I can forgive him…
If I cannot forgive him, could we function as friends? If I set down some ground rules for our friendship, would I be alright and would our friendship be able to continue?
Think before you compliment.
No physical contact unless initiated by myself.
I am lied to again- I walk.
No discussion of your current relationship.
Accept you broke my trust and that you must now earn my friendship.
Understand I may never act the same towards you again.
Accept I might be a mess.
Apologies mean that you will not repeat the behaviour you have apologised for.
But at the end of the day, even with all these rules, will I not just end up being hurt… Fuck… What I wouldn’t give to be loved just once…
Argh… fuckin’ tears… today is not a good day…
So I have at the very least 1500 words to write for Friday. Number written so far? Eight.
Concentration level? Zero.
If you are unable to forgive a friend, can they still be friends with you? I mean you would like to remain friends, but if the other knows that you are unable to forgive can the friendship continue to be true?
School was pretty chaotic, and the nights of thinking, worrying and weeping have taken their toll somewhat. I’m really wiped out, and I still have lots of work to do I haven’t done.
Although tired, today I feel a little better- I haven’t had any eye-leakage at all, just feeling more generally down. I hope this trend of improvement continues.
Of course it remains to be seen what the future holds; whether I would like to see Mid Atlantic and whether Mid Atlantic would like to see me is as yet undecided.
Will he be able to take the fallout from what has happened, the anguish, the vitriol? Do my reactions reveal more about myself than he knew before? Will this alienate him?
I think he has reacted how I anticipated he would: This was the person I thought he was before- an honest one. This is of course, after I caught him in the lie.
I feel more positive about things overall but the last thing I want to be is a walkover.
So Mid Atlantic wrote and explained himself. I finally cried. A lot.
I have an idea that everythng that happened was just an impulsive event, in the same way that boys do stupid stuff at school and when you ask them why they did it they have no idea. I don’t know if this makes things better or worse, I’m just so sad at the moment.
Continuing to go through life being treated like this is very difficult to bear. It’s like getting close to someone in even the smallest way is eventually going to end up hurting me. By having too much fun with someone I seem to be doomed from the outset.
I wonder if I attract a certain sort of person, or whether somewhere deep inside my psyche I feel like I deserve to be punished for some reason, that I don’t deserve to feel happy.
I don’t hate all men, far from it, it’s just the ones I choose to care for in an emotionally or physically intimate manner seem to take terrible liberties with my heart and are ultimately very uncaring.
Great, now i’m leaking from my eyes again.
Hooray! Some good things… My Gorgeous Texan has gotten engaged- And I am SO happy for all parties! They are both lovely people and deserve all happiness together, which I have no doubt they will have.
Someone around here should be happy :D
Also, it has touched me the way friends have rallyed round and offered support.
Nitram said that the whole affair has been good for me in a confidence way, in that if you re-read nopoke then it is clear what a good time I had and how happy I was… until the last few weeks of course, with my newly-gained confidence now gone…
It’s a nice idea that all my thoughts and feelings, that good times and bad are preserved on here. It may make for saddening reading at times but I am glad it’s all there.
A friend called me to talk about what’s happened and after a good long chat with him I feel better about things. At least I think I’ll be able to get some sleep tonight, and without the visions of spiders, parasites and crustaceans (horseshoe crabs freak me out) that filled my head last night. Hopefully.
Inset day at skool tomorrow… My first day back. I am going to be given free lunch (woo) and get to visit another slightly more notorious school that has a very interesting art department. I am looking forward to this, but not doing all the work I have not done over the break in the upcoming few days. A combination of my own fault and extenuating circumstances i.e. my mind being on other things.
Still fairly gobsmacked about things; I feel like I deserve some sort of explanation- I am still so confused. It would be great to salvage our friendship of course, but I think the next couple of days are going to be fairly crucial in that regard- can it survive after such a betrayal of trust? Who knows…
My friend recommended emailing said female and telling her what Mid Atlantic has done. Just like with all the Monster’s women I could have done that at any time, but really what is there to be gained from it? I’m far too nice for revenge- I am usually the one who is stepped on, I am not the stomper of hearts. I see it as none of my business- I am concerned primarily with my well-being; if they want to hurt others so be it. It’s on their conscience at the end of the day, and is nothing to do with me.
This could be because I am an easy mark of course, rather than being a kind individual.
Let’s just see what happens… whatever happens it will be an indicator of my worth and of his worth, and that is going to be pretty interesting.