Propriety is my downfall… My birthday excursion contained a classic example of personal behaviour that frustrates me. I complain that I lack for intimate inteludes but when offered opportunities to get closer (and I don’t just mean fluid-swapping) I feel I am far too reserved. I get embarassed, look down or away, go red. I can flirt most effectively but I feel awkward when pushing further and feel kinda dirty afterwards, even when it’s just inappropriate banter. For no logical reason. I would say I can be loud and outgoing; but at the same time I can be quiet, hesitant and quite shy.
I am an Ice Queen, rather untouchable, worried about people’s opinion of my behaviour and unsure how to proceed. The thing is, they really don’t care, but I have a difficulty where I look back on past behaviour and cringe. These incidents were exceptionally minor, but I still carry the shame around with me which probably goes some way to explaining my lack of initiative. I had never been kissed until I turned 20. It’s like I need to take classes in intimate social strategies.
If someone offers me their lap to sit on, I should sit on their damn lap. Especially when not bringing over another chair to sit on would avoid you blocking the coridoor and skinning your knuckles when bringing the chair over. Like, duh.
When the heat is on, I am always the first one to drop out of the chase. And other such failure-implying cliches. I need to work on finding some ease in close-contact social situations.